Just Keep Swimming
Baby boy is 3 weeks old.
I just don't feel like myself these days.
I'm not the kind of person who cries at the drop of a hat. I don't cry in front of people. I don't instantly tear up when people ask me how I'm doing. I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve.
And yet, here I am. It really doesn't take much. Often, it takes nothing at all. I am just all over the place. I feel empty and numb, like I don't have feelings. Then I feel sad and teary.
I've found worship music to be such a comfort to my soul. I had made a playlist on Spotify for labour which I found so good and it really helped me cope through quite a bit of my labour. I focused on the words to get me through each contraction, letting God's peace wash over me.
I didn't realize just how helpful it was until a couple of days ago when I was getting sick of silence here at home (must have been a day that my youngest daughter wasn't at home!) and nervously decided to play it again. I say nervously because after having listened to it all through my labour, I wasn't sure what kind of emotions it was going to stir up! When I made the playlist, I wondered whether I was going to ruin a few of my favourites by letting them be associated with the pain. But as I listened to it again, I felt so much joy. I was filled with thankfulness. God's joy can't really be described or explained. It is something to be experienced. Hearing those words again made me realize how God had kept his promise to never leave me. The songs reminded me of how I felt God's love for me, even through the ever-increasing intense pain. He was with me. He was holding my hand and encouraging me. I felt that. Those songs have even more meaning for me now.
I'm still getting all 4 seasons in one day. There are times when I'm feeling like I can totally do this '3 kids' thing. Then that merges into another phase when I've just started the baby with a feed and the toddler refuses to do what I've asked her to do. No amount of warnings, threats of timeout, or bargaining is working. I feel the tension mounting. I feel powerless, stuck on the couch. I feel increasingly frustrated! As the evening sets in, so does the low mood. The exhaustion. The anxiety. The churning stomach. Every single evening. It's been a long day and with 3 kids, I don't get a nap most days. I just have to get through it. I'm finding that if I take my PND medication too early in the evening (which I've done because I just can't stand the way I'm feeling), then I get sleepy and it's hard to get through all the feeds I know my baby will be wanting. If I don't take it early in the evening, I feel awful. I still can't figure it out. In the night, I find things settling down and I can feed my baby without freaking out well ahead of time about whether he will go back to sleep after or not. By morning, I'm usually feeling good again after a bit of sleep (here and there) and the medication is still working. Even so, sometimes a few tears are lurking just around the corner, and that 'I can do this' mood changes quickly.
Listening to my music has been good for helping me get out of my 'funk'. I'm hoping to be able to start some exercise soon, which I've always found incredibly helpful for my mood and anxiety. My body still needs to do a bit more healing first, so it's not going to be anything crazy. And quite honestly, I need a bit more sleep before I can go back to running 5 km. My energy is very limited right now, and I can't go using the tiny bit I do have on huge amounts of exercise and have nothing left for my little energizer bunny toddler and 5 year old. There is not enough to go round! It will be great when I can start running again... I really missed it in the last few months of pregnancy. I think it will do me a world of good when I get there.
So that's me at the moment.
In summary - I'm doing better. I'm still getting some anxiety. I'm still feeling low. I still get overwhelmed a lot. Medication doesn't fix everything. This is just one of those things where I'm going to have to just ride it out...
It's time to lean on God. When my mind and body fail me, I offer up the broken pieces of me and He accepts me just as I am.
When I'm weak He is mighty. God is carrying me through this and will get me to the other side xx
I just don't feel like myself these days.
I'm not the kind of person who cries at the drop of a hat. I don't cry in front of people. I don't instantly tear up when people ask me how I'm doing. I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve.
And yet, here I am. It really doesn't take much. Often, it takes nothing at all. I am just all over the place. I feel empty and numb, like I don't have feelings. Then I feel sad and teary.
I've found worship music to be such a comfort to my soul. I had made a playlist on Spotify for labour which I found so good and it really helped me cope through quite a bit of my labour. I focused on the words to get me through each contraction, letting God's peace wash over me.
I didn't realize just how helpful it was until a couple of days ago when I was getting sick of silence here at home (must have been a day that my youngest daughter wasn't at home!) and nervously decided to play it again. I say nervously because after having listened to it all through my labour, I wasn't sure what kind of emotions it was going to stir up! When I made the playlist, I wondered whether I was going to ruin a few of my favourites by letting them be associated with the pain. But as I listened to it again, I felt so much joy. I was filled with thankfulness. God's joy can't really be described or explained. It is something to be experienced. Hearing those words again made me realize how God had kept his promise to never leave me. The songs reminded me of how I felt God's love for me, even through the ever-increasing intense pain. He was with me. He was holding my hand and encouraging me. I felt that. Those songs have even more meaning for me now.
I'm still getting all 4 seasons in one day. There are times when I'm feeling like I can totally do this '3 kids' thing. Then that merges into another phase when I've just started the baby with a feed and the toddler refuses to do what I've asked her to do. No amount of warnings, threats of timeout, or bargaining is working. I feel the tension mounting. I feel powerless, stuck on the couch. I feel increasingly frustrated! As the evening sets in, so does the low mood. The exhaustion. The anxiety. The churning stomach. Every single evening. It's been a long day and with 3 kids, I don't get a nap most days. I just have to get through it. I'm finding that if I take my PND medication too early in the evening (which I've done because I just can't stand the way I'm feeling), then I get sleepy and it's hard to get through all the feeds I know my baby will be wanting. If I don't take it early in the evening, I feel awful. I still can't figure it out. In the night, I find things settling down and I can feed my baby without freaking out well ahead of time about whether he will go back to sleep after or not. By morning, I'm usually feeling good again after a bit of sleep (here and there) and the medication is still working. Even so, sometimes a few tears are lurking just around the corner, and that 'I can do this' mood changes quickly.
Listening to my music has been good for helping me get out of my 'funk'. I'm hoping to be able to start some exercise soon, which I've always found incredibly helpful for my mood and anxiety. My body still needs to do a bit more healing first, so it's not going to be anything crazy. And quite honestly, I need a bit more sleep before I can go back to running 5 km. My energy is very limited right now, and I can't go using the tiny bit I do have on huge amounts of exercise and have nothing left for my little energizer bunny toddler and 5 year old. There is not enough to go round! It will be great when I can start running again... I really missed it in the last few months of pregnancy. I think it will do me a world of good when I get there.
So that's me at the moment.
In summary - I'm doing better. I'm still getting some anxiety. I'm still feeling low. I still get overwhelmed a lot. Medication doesn't fix everything. This is just one of those things where I'm going to have to just ride it out...
It's time to lean on God. When my mind and body fail me, I offer up the broken pieces of me and He accepts me just as I am.
When I'm weak He is mighty. God is carrying me through this and will get me to the other side xx
I love your honesty Charli & your trust in our faithful Father. He will get you through this even if He has to carry you all the way. He is strong & His strength is made perfect in your weakness. Apart from praying, what can I do to assist you?
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