Oh, Boy.
He's here!
We now have 2 girls and a little baby boy 11 days old. He truly melts my heart. He's so tiny and new.
Goodness. What a whirlwind of a time it's been....
Wow, I was doing so well those first couple of days at the birth centre. I was feeding my baby without help. I slept when I had the chance. I was eating happily. I only called for a midwife for a bit of pain relief every now and then. My sisters commented on how well I was managing this time. How un-frazzled I was for a change. I thought things were really going to be different this time.
That is, until we came home and it was coming into the evening...
The dimmed lights, the baby stuff, even the baby smell....
Wow.
The reaction was strong.
It was like a PTSD thing. All those memories from the newborn days with the girls just overwhelmed me. Because I've only ever experienced those conditions while feeling incredibly anxious, it was like my mind and body didn't know how to not react that way. I had no good memories to fall back on.
Anxiety just took over my body. My stomach knotted and churned. I was fighting back tears.
It was when we were eating dinner that my husband looked at me and asked if I was okay. Maybe because I was struggling to eat my food, my appetite completely gone.
I shrugged. Then burst into tears. I just remember saying, "I don't want to do this again."
Oh, here we go again.
That night, I didn't get any sleep between the first 3 feeds. I went to bed, but sleep wouldn't come. I was on high alert, my body responding to every sound. By my third chance to sleep, I just knew. I'm done. The anxiety was just so powerful. The unbalance of hormones too strong. This was not something I could fix on my own. It was the weekend. So, I had to make it until Monday when I could go see the doctor, who then told me that because this is the 3rd time, I needed to be on medication for at least a year. At least another year of feeling groggy, of not being able to drive a decent distance, being ridiculously hungry all the time (a side effect), another year of not being able to lose my baby weight, no matter how healthy I eat or how much I exercise. That might not sound like a big deal, but body image is a big part of a woman's self-esteem. It just is.
So, I'm on medication again for anxiety and depression. I'm waiting on some counseling again too.
It is what it is.
I desperately wanted things to be different.
But, I can't afford to be a zombie. I have a newborn, a toddler, a 5 year old, and a husband who needs me. The kids need a functioning mother. My husband needs a functioning wife. They just need me and I can't be letting them down by trying to be a hero about it all, trying to hold it together on my own. I recognized the signs early, I got on top of it before it spiraled out of control.
Do I feel fine now?
No. I don't. I'm in survival mode.
I still struggle with anxiety in the evenings in particular. I still get the knotted stomach and feeling like I can't breathe. I still feel teary. It's not as overwhelming as it was, but it's still very much there. I'm sleeping well again, which has made a huge difference. Sleep is so crucial, especially when you can't nap during the day while looking after kids who don't do naps anymore. I did struggle again quite a bit with sleep last night, even with the medication. My appetite is coming back slowly.
I still feel more myself than I did the first 2 times. Not totally myself, but things do feel different.
I have my closer relationship with Jesus. I'm taking all the vitamins necessary for good mental health. I'm not hiding what's going on this time. There are just things that are different this time.
Most of all, when I think about it, I realize that while things are hard, God has not forgotten me.
He sees me and he knows my struggles.
Counting My Blessings
I have so many good things going for me with this precious boy. I could go on and on.
- Way better feeder, even with both tongue and lip tie. He doesn't come off every couple of minutes. No having to re-latch re-latch re-latch like with both girls! That really did my head in and gave me even more anxiety. I dreaded each feed. Ouch.
- Doesn't seem to need much burping, while both girls were difficult in this department
- No meconium in the amniotic fluid - unlike the girls, with youngest ending up in respiratory distress and back to hospital via ambulance to NICU.
- Doesn't cry all that much.
- No reflux so far (YESSS!)
- Often settles well when put in bed awake
- Sleeps like an angel most of the time - day and night
It's still early days, but he is such a dream so far.
God has been kind to me. Even though this is happening again, I feel his love with the kind of little boy he has given us. He knew I could only handle so much and he eased my burden with these blessings. It's not lost on me how much easier it has made life at the moment. With my first baby, I was a total rookie (and had PND) and even though she was really an easy baby overall, I didn't appreciate it because it all just felt so hard. The second baby was tricky in every way possible - 2 hospital stays, bad feeding, bad sleeping, reflux, needed lots of burping but they were hard work to get out, lots of long periods of crying, wouldn't settle on her own... I certainly don't blame her - she was just a baby struggling with pain/discomfort. But it all made me appreciate the easiness of my first baby a lot more. And now that I have another easy baby (even easier actually!) I can fully, fully, appreciate God's mercy on me. Wow, he has had a lot of mercy on me this time. Sometimes it takes a rough time to truly appreciate the better times, and it has drawn me closer to God. He never said life would be easy, he said there would be trouble in this world, but he promises to never leave me and that he will help me. He has kept his promises to me.
So here we are. I'm feeling fragile. I'm trying to take it one feed/sleep cycle at a time. Even just taking one day at a time at the moment feels overwhelming. I know things will get easier with time. I know that. But right now it's hard.
I'm so thankful for my village. My friends. My church family. My incredibly supportive parents and sisters. They all make life a bit easier and I know God has surrounded me with them to ease my burden. They are his hands and feet. He said he would help me, and he is. I feel his love.
Here's to another journey! xx
We now have 2 girls and a little baby boy 11 days old. He truly melts my heart. He's so tiny and new.
Goodness. What a whirlwind of a time it's been....
Wow, I was doing so well those first couple of days at the birth centre. I was feeding my baby without help. I slept when I had the chance. I was eating happily. I only called for a midwife for a bit of pain relief every now and then. My sisters commented on how well I was managing this time. How un-frazzled I was for a change. I thought things were really going to be different this time.
That is, until we came home and it was coming into the evening...
The dimmed lights, the baby stuff, even the baby smell....
Wow.
The reaction was strong.
It was like a PTSD thing. All those memories from the newborn days with the girls just overwhelmed me. Because I've only ever experienced those conditions while feeling incredibly anxious, it was like my mind and body didn't know how to not react that way. I had no good memories to fall back on.
Anxiety just took over my body. My stomach knotted and churned. I was fighting back tears.
It was when we were eating dinner that my husband looked at me and asked if I was okay. Maybe because I was struggling to eat my food, my appetite completely gone.
I shrugged. Then burst into tears. I just remember saying, "I don't want to do this again."
Oh, here we go again.
That night, I didn't get any sleep between the first 3 feeds. I went to bed, but sleep wouldn't come. I was on high alert, my body responding to every sound. By my third chance to sleep, I just knew. I'm done. The anxiety was just so powerful. The unbalance of hormones too strong. This was not something I could fix on my own. It was the weekend. So, I had to make it until Monday when I could go see the doctor, who then told me that because this is the 3rd time, I needed to be on medication for at least a year. At least another year of feeling groggy, of not being able to drive a decent distance, being ridiculously hungry all the time (a side effect), another year of not being able to lose my baby weight, no matter how healthy I eat or how much I exercise. That might not sound like a big deal, but body image is a big part of a woman's self-esteem. It just is.
So, I'm on medication again for anxiety and depression. I'm waiting on some counseling again too.
It is what it is.
I desperately wanted things to be different.
But, I can't afford to be a zombie. I have a newborn, a toddler, a 5 year old, and a husband who needs me. The kids need a functioning mother. My husband needs a functioning wife. They just need me and I can't be letting them down by trying to be a hero about it all, trying to hold it together on my own. I recognized the signs early, I got on top of it before it spiraled out of control.
Do I feel fine now?
No. I don't. I'm in survival mode.
I still struggle with anxiety in the evenings in particular. I still get the knotted stomach and feeling like I can't breathe. I still feel teary. It's not as overwhelming as it was, but it's still very much there. I'm sleeping well again, which has made a huge difference. Sleep is so crucial, especially when you can't nap during the day while looking after kids who don't do naps anymore. I did struggle again quite a bit with sleep last night, even with the medication. My appetite is coming back slowly.
I still feel more myself than I did the first 2 times. Not totally myself, but things do feel different.
I have my closer relationship with Jesus. I'm taking all the vitamins necessary for good mental health. I'm not hiding what's going on this time. There are just things that are different this time.
Most of all, when I think about it, I realize that while things are hard, God has not forgotten me.
He sees me and he knows my struggles.
Counting My Blessings
I have so many good things going for me with this precious boy. I could go on and on.
- Way better feeder, even with both tongue and lip tie. He doesn't come off every couple of minutes. No having to re-latch re-latch re-latch like with both girls! That really did my head in and gave me even more anxiety. I dreaded each feed. Ouch.
- Doesn't seem to need much burping, while both girls were difficult in this department
- No meconium in the amniotic fluid - unlike the girls, with youngest ending up in respiratory distress and back to hospital via ambulance to NICU.
- Doesn't cry all that much.
- No reflux so far (YESSS!)
- Often settles well when put in bed awake
- Sleeps like an angel most of the time - day and night
It's still early days, but he is such a dream so far.
God has been kind to me. Even though this is happening again, I feel his love with the kind of little boy he has given us. He knew I could only handle so much and he eased my burden with these blessings. It's not lost on me how much easier it has made life at the moment. With my first baby, I was a total rookie (and had PND) and even though she was really an easy baby overall, I didn't appreciate it because it all just felt so hard. The second baby was tricky in every way possible - 2 hospital stays, bad feeding, bad sleeping, reflux, needed lots of burping but they were hard work to get out, lots of long periods of crying, wouldn't settle on her own... I certainly don't blame her - she was just a baby struggling with pain/discomfort. But it all made me appreciate the easiness of my first baby a lot more. And now that I have another easy baby (even easier actually!) I can fully, fully, appreciate God's mercy on me. Wow, he has had a lot of mercy on me this time. Sometimes it takes a rough time to truly appreciate the better times, and it has drawn me closer to God. He never said life would be easy, he said there would be trouble in this world, but he promises to never leave me and that he will help me. He has kept his promises to me.
So here we are. I'm feeling fragile. I'm trying to take it one feed/sleep cycle at a time. Even just taking one day at a time at the moment feels overwhelming. I know things will get easier with time. I know that. But right now it's hard.
I'm so thankful for my village. My friends. My church family. My incredibly supportive parents and sisters. They all make life a bit easier and I know God has surrounded me with them to ease my burden. They are his hands and feet. He said he would help me, and he is. I feel his love.
Here's to another journey! xx
Comments
Post a Comment