How I Experience Anxiety

Hey guys, thanks for following me on what I now call 'My Anxiety Adventure'. It almost sounds positive, right? Cup half full and whatnot! I think I'll roll with it. It's mine and I can call it whatever I want :-) 

Anxiety has been with me a long, long time. Some people have told me that they had no idea it was an issue for me. But I’ve had a lifetime of practicing the art of hiding it. I always tried to hide it as much as possible. Like a duck on water – calm on top, but underneath there’s a whole lot of flapping going on! My symptoms have toned down quite a lot, due to a mix of things. Counselling. Exercise. Volunteer work. Medication was necessary for me, especially to be able to continue caring for my babies. I’m still currently on medication. In the last few months I have also felt a huge shift in my relationship with God. I’ve become more spiritually mature, more trusting of Him and in return have felt His presence and leading more than ever before. I have to tell you, it is incredibly exciting! I can honestly say now, for the first time in my life, that God is my one desire and He is everything I need. My anxiety and post-natal depression (PND) has brought me closer to God and for that I am immeasurably thankful. Yes, all the chaos of the last few years has been worth it for that alone!

I still have days when I feel the tension returning and my mind gets carried away with anxious thoughts. Although the physical symptoms are much, much less intense now, I still experience them. So, I thought I would unpack how I’ve experienced anxiety. What it has felt like. What it does to me physically. How it affects my thoughts. All the symptoms I have experienced – sometimes a few, sometimes all of them at the same time. Maybe you can relate to some of it, maybe you will recognize some of these things in someone you know. People experience it in many different ways and have their own triggers. If you think you might need help, please go to your GP. They are not going to force you to take medication. Your GP is just a good place to start and they will talk you through your options. Saying out loud that you need help is not something to be embarrassed about. They deal with these things all the time. It’s their job. Do it for yourself. And please take extra care of that friend.

I’ll paint you a little picture. Anxiety feels a bit like being on the edge of a cliff, always on the edge, as if one step in the wrong direction is going to send you plunging to your death. A little extreme? Does that sound like an overreaction? It probably is. And that is the whole point. You can’t think clearly. You are too busy panicking to realize that actually that cliff is several metres away, but in your mind, it’s right there. Even if you’re aware that you’re overreacting, it doesn’t change how you feel at all. It’s overpowering. Overwhelming. It feels so much bigger than you. You just cannot control it. You feel helpless. That feeling of doom is very real.

I’m aware that my thoughts spiral out of control. I think too much. My mind just races. So many, many nights I’ve found myself lying awake in bed in the middle of the night after hearing a little noise, then I’m wondering if we locked all the doors. Then I’m thinking, what if someone found a way in? Fast forward a bit…. I’m thinking about what would happen if someone took the kids, or if they came into our room, how I could I defend myself or my husband?? Does that sound ridiculous to you? Yeah, me too. Many times, I’ve stopped myself and thought, “This is crazy. Just stop it. I’m not going to think about it anymore.” But, the next minute, I’m right back there again. Over and over. It seemed like every worry, every little fight with my husband, would result in my mind going to extremes, twisting and warping my thoughts until I’ve gotten myself so physically worked up – about things that were very unlikely to happen. I recognized those thought patterns, I just couldn’t gain control over them. It was like they had a life of their own.

I’ve had quite a lot of physical symptoms. Where do I even start? It took a few writing sessions to make sure I included them all!

• Racing heart
• Nausea
• Stomach feels heavy like there is a big rock in it or like it’s in knots
• Hot and cold flushes
• Tight feeling in my chest like I can’t breathe
• Restless
• Distracted and forgetful
• Sweating
• Shaking
• Insomnia – difficult to fall asleep as well as stay asleep. I tried magnesium supplements, sleep drops, chamomile tea. You name it – I tried it all. But I was already way past that point. This was particularly bad in the earlier days of PND, trying to sleep between feeds. If you’re a mum then you’ll know how little time there is in between them.  I literally could not sleep at all in between. It snowballed so fast. It made me hysterical. And that just made it worse.
• Clenched jaw. Always. All of the time. I tried relaxing it, but it just stayed clenched even when I was actively trying to relax the muscles. My jaw became clicky and really sore.
• Low energy – when I was doing a run event I had to wait before it was my turn to start, by the time I reached the starting point my energy was gone. All gone. Used up by my racing mind and body reacting to the stress. I felt physically weak, like I hadn’t eaten in 3 days. And I was supposed to run now? I felt like I was going to throw up from fatigue. Anxiety is exhausting.
• Irritability – when I’m exhausted from experiencing these things or I’m in panic mode, I have less energy to spend on being nice (sorry husband and kids!). Not a good excuse, but it’s the truth. I go through phases of feeling like I’m constantly saying sorry!
• Lack of appetite – also especially in the earlier PND days. With my first daughter it started straight after her birth. My stomach would growl in protest but eating felt to me like trying to eat a meal when I had already just eaten one, and now I had to eat another one I didn’t even like. Every bite took forever to go down. Another reason I couldn’t sleep was because my stomach wouldn’t stop rumbling, but I just couldn’t eat.
• Frequent trips to the toilet (for many years now) – at times when my anxiety levels were particularly high (like during PND), it interfered with my sleep so much that I was going about 10 times in the night (no exaggeration) and it even got as desperate as going to the doctor for a pee test (in case of a urinary tract infection), then referred to hospital for bladder testing but nothing showed up in any of those results. At the time, I didn’t understand why I was having so much trouble with this, when there was nothing wrong with my body. It made no sense.

All of this stuff together made a big impact on my ability to make brave choices for myself, make the most of opportunities, confront things, and endure things. Writing all that down for this blog has made me realize how I’m still living with it, but also how far I’ve come. There are still things in my life that I find really stressful, but that is life, isn’t it? It has its ups and downs.

Someone once said, “Sometimes God calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child.” I’m really starting to understand that. I’m at a point where my relationship with Him is stronger than ever and when I feel overwhelmed, I can cry out to Him and he answers me – with a few soft words spoken to my heart, sometimes He pops a Bible verse or story in my head which will appear out of nowhere but is so fitting in the circumstance, or a song, or a sudden sense of peace that surpasses my understanding, that makes me wonder how on earth I could be feeling so calm right now. Even in practical matters He answers me in such surprising and wonderfully ‘out of the box’ ways. He is creative. Whatever it is I need, He gives it to me.

The more I trust God, the more He shows His faithfulness. Anxiety might wreak havoc on my body, but my soul belongs to God. It’s untouchable. Whatever is coming next, I know God is all powerful and He is on my side. Bring it on!

xx