Sunday Night Thoughts

It's a lovely, peaceful Sunday night and husband is out, the kids are in bed. Even more than that - they're asleep. Hoorah!  And so, I find myself able to think! If I could high-five myself - I would.  I love my girls dearly, I do, but it's sooo nice to just sit down and unpack your thoughts, right? Life is busy when they're young. 'Stop the three-year-old from changing toddler's nappy', 'clean up the trail of toothpaste down the hallway', 'wind the 5km toilet paper back up again' kind of busy. 

So I've been thinking about how my day looks these days, compared to not long ago, and even if it doesn't look a whole lot different, it feels different. I approach my day in a very different way now. I have to admit, until lately, I've been a lukewarm Christian. Living in apathy, hoping someone else would take one for the team and do something that counts. Every Sunday I'd promise myself I wouldn't just be a Sunday Christian, but come Monday it would all be history. All my life, I found reading the Bible, Christian books, as well as praying and singing songs to God, going to church, a bit of a chore. Yes, I didn’t really enjoy it. I didn’t crave it. I didn’t make time for it. But now, what I wouldn’t give for a bit of time with God! There is a longing in me that wasn’t there before. Not like this. Day and night, I crave His closeness, His nearness. I want to hear His voice. Sometimes, I just want to go crawl into a cupboard, away from all the busyness and chaos of being a stay-at-home mum, and just pray. Uninterrupted. I can’t wait to get a chance to read more about God. I love listening to worship songs every day and sing along to them, often stopping what I’m doing and just focusing on God, regardless of whether the kids are watching me. This is all so new to me! I've learned that if I'm going to love God fully, I'm going to have to stop caring what others think of me. Does a day go by that I think I could have done more, or done things differently? Of course, every day. But the difference now is that I want to do more, I want to do better - to the extent that I am actually changing. Thanks to God's guidance.

I was reading a book called ‘Worship’ by Max Lucado – a lovely, pondering sort of book that really captures the essence of worship. It is prayer, it is songs, it’s quality time with God, and so much more. I read the following bit about how God reaches out to me during worship…

“By his fingers, wrinkles of worry are rubbed away. Shadows of shame and doubt become portraits of grace and trust. He relaxes clenched jaws and smooths furrowed brows. His touch can remove the bags of exhaustion from beneath the eyes and turn tears of despair into tears of peace.”

That really sums up what worship feels like to me. It’s a state of mind in which I hold my burdens up to him and he lifts them from me, even just for a time. It’s my happy, blissful, joyful place. Even when I’m full of despair, it makes room for peace and comfort. While battling with anxiety and post-natal depression, I have learned a lot about God. About his love and tenderness. He never takes His eyes off me. I’m finally experiencing it fully, this closeness with God. I think that’s why I crave it so much – because that is the only thing, the only space, where I can just bask in His presence and perfect love, allowing it to fill me up. I’m accepted. I’m understood. Back to front. Top to bottom. From the inside out.

It’s not the same as spending time with one of your friends. While you may find their company uplifting, their words comforting; we all have faults, people have their own agendas, and their hugs can only penetrate so far. Yes, they’re probably doing their best to be a good friend to you, and you love them for it. But, with God, there can be only trust. He will never change. Not today, not tomorrow. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Are you scared of catching God in a bad mood? Not going to happen. He will never run out of grace. He keeps his promises and I am safe with Him. He will not lie to me. His strength, truth and love will never change. His embrace saturates me.

I wake each morning and feel excited. That’s different. It almost feels foreign to me. It’s so wonderful to get up, feeling excited about what the day will bring. It feels like it’s been so long since I felt like that. Another day, another chance to connect with God and listen to his voice. Another opportunity to do some good in this broken world, be it big or small.

If you're in the same boat as I was, believing in God but the passion is just lacking, can I encourage you to be proactive in resetting your faith? Read something that will inspire you. For me, one of my big turning points in my walk with God was reading the 'Mark of the Lion' series by Francine Rivers. I read that 3-book series a few months into my PND and it made me see God in such a different light, a truer light. And most of all, it made me see Jesus in a much, much more personal way. It changed my heart. 

Don't wait for that fire to ignite itself, go find yourself a match! xx