Here We Go Again!
Hey guys!
I know I've been very quiet...
I have found it hard to locate some spare energy the last 3 months. My brain has been rather foggy. I've barely had enough 'oomph' to get food on the table.
But I've gotten through it!
So, we have been keeping secrets..... and it's time to let one out of the bag!
Child no. 3 is in my tummy (17 weeks), and I am wildly excited! I can't wait to meet this precious little one. Well, I can wait a little... still need to get child no.2 out of the cot and into a big bed, ideally out of nappies and off bottles, and to please, PLEASE, sleep through the night. But I am wildly excited about this little person growing in my belly, especially now that I can feel the kicks and tumbles.
I am also wildly nervous about it, when I consider that I went through post natal depression with both my kids. That's all I've ever known. Struggle is all I've ever known when it comes to welcoming my baby into the world. Overwhelming emotions. Panic. Anxiety. Insomnia. No appetite. Tears. Lots of tears. Not bonding with my baby. Lack of interest in the little one I so longed to meet. SO many more things. Do I even dare to think things will be different this time?
I feel like I am being tossed around in the waves, being thrown this way and that way... There's nothing solid to hang onto, no promises I can make to myself. Well, I can make them, but can I keep them?
Part of me wants to dare to hope. Part of me is trying to lead me to acceptance. I want to believe that things might turn out differently. That things will turn out well. And the other part of me thinks if I accept that PND is going to happen again, it will set me up for reality.
Do I set myself up for bitter disappointment by hoping?
Do I resign myself to the reality of my experiences and the chances of it happening again?
Do I bother trying to reduce the chances, or do I prepare myself to go through it all over again?
I know in my mind that giving up on trying to have a better experience this time is a slippery slope. If I think that way already, how much worse will my state of mind be once the baby is born? I don't really want to think about it... But it's hard not to go there sometimes, when that's the only way I've ever experienced it.
I didn't realize how fresh it all still is until my husband and I were talking the other night about what I was like during those times. He told me that I'll need to take better care of myself this time. He told me that he couldn't even get me to have a glass of water or eat something, anything. For some reason, I just found myself tearing up at the sudden memory of what it felt like to be in that place. I wanted to be able to promise him that I would take better care of myself. That he could just concentrate on taking care of the kids this time. For once. But, when my mind went there again, I remembered just how hard it was. How hard it was to make myself eat when I really didn't want to. I had no appetite. No will to keep myself hydrated. I was both numb and unresponsive, as well as an anxious, teary mess. I wasn't coping. At all.
For a while now, that all felt like a long time ago. Suddenly, it feels like yesterday.
I don't want to just survive. I want to live. I want to enjoy my baby. For once, I just want to enjoy the bliss of sitting up with my baby at night, feeding, and enjoying the peace and quiet of night. I know (believe me, I know by now!) that it isn't always peaceful - there is some crying, pooping, stubborn burps, and all that. But I don't want to feel that dread, that heavy stone in my stomach as the evening approaches. The dread of what I know is coming. I don't want to sit there on the couch by myself every midnight, tears running down my face while my baby feeds, because I know that most likely I will not be able to get to sleep between this feed and the next. I'll be going to bed and getting up to do it all over again, without having slept at all. I was so tired and desperate for sleep that just wouldn't come. Sometimes while lying in bed, I just got so overwhelmed by the exhaustion and this anxiety that wouldn't let me sleep, that I'd just burst into tears, and my husband would have to try to calm me down so we could both get some rest.
I'm just so scared.
During a devotional the other day, I was reminded of God's goodness to me in my last round of PND. Just thinking about it fills my heart to overflowing with love for God. He fought some hard battles for me and won. He brought me through it all. He was faithful and watched over me, even in the darkest of days. When I started leaning on him (and I wish I had sooner!), I felt his love for me. I felt the warmth of his love. The more time I spent talking with him, the more I understood his very real power. He became more real to me that he ever was before. When I woke with a panic attack in the middle of the night, I called out to him and he gave me instant peace. Instant. I went back to sleep easily. He showed me what he can do for me if I would only believe it. If I would only ask.
Oh, I wish I had come to him sooner! Much sooner!
I know this time will be different in this way - I am so much closer to God than I ever was during my PND both times. I'm not unarmed this time. I have God on my side and I will not fight it in my own power but with his. My own power will run out fast but his is never exhausted. It will be there for me to use whenever I ask for it. God showed me that last time. I'm still learning to trust him in all things. To believe that he will actually be there to catch me if I fall. I know it won't be easy. Life is hard sometimes. Really hard. But I know in my heart that whatever happens - I will be okay. Even if only in the end. Now I just need to convince my mind. My overworked, very busy mind.
When I think about what's ahead, I sometimes get really excited and feel at peace. Protected by God. Other days, when I'm not quite so alert to the way my thoughts are heading, I feel the anxiety eating away at me. Subtly, but definitely trying to unravel me. Trying to warp my thoughts and twist the truth. Trying to frighten me. I belong to God. I'm trying to take those thoughts captive and offer them up to God, for him to remind me of who I am. I ask him to open my eyes and show me where my thoughts leave the truth. He brings me back and embraces me in his loving care. I'm far from perfect, but he loves me fiercely and pursues me to no end.
I still have work to do. But today I am physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually stronger than I ever was. And I think that is a good place to start from.
Jesus, you have brought me through the fire. You are faithful and you will do it again.
Some verses to leave you with, that are close to my heart and have given me so much comfort and strength....
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4: 6-7
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:28-30
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
John 14:27
"God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging."
Psalm 46: 1-3
xx
I know I've been very quiet...
I have found it hard to locate some spare energy the last 3 months. My brain has been rather foggy. I've barely had enough 'oomph' to get food on the table.
But I've gotten through it!
So, we have been keeping secrets..... and it's time to let one out of the bag!
Child no. 3 is in my tummy (17 weeks), and I am wildly excited! I can't wait to meet this precious little one. Well, I can wait a little... still need to get child no.2 out of the cot and into a big bed, ideally out of nappies and off bottles, and to please, PLEASE, sleep through the night. But I am wildly excited about this little person growing in my belly, especially now that I can feel the kicks and tumbles.
I am also wildly nervous about it, when I consider that I went through post natal depression with both my kids. That's all I've ever known. Struggle is all I've ever known when it comes to welcoming my baby into the world. Overwhelming emotions. Panic. Anxiety. Insomnia. No appetite. Tears. Lots of tears. Not bonding with my baby. Lack of interest in the little one I so longed to meet. SO many more things. Do I even dare to think things will be different this time?
I feel like I am being tossed around in the waves, being thrown this way and that way... There's nothing solid to hang onto, no promises I can make to myself. Well, I can make them, but can I keep them?
Part of me wants to dare to hope. Part of me is trying to lead me to acceptance. I want to believe that things might turn out differently. That things will turn out well. And the other part of me thinks if I accept that PND is going to happen again, it will set me up for reality.
Do I set myself up for bitter disappointment by hoping?
Do I resign myself to the reality of my experiences and the chances of it happening again?
Do I bother trying to reduce the chances, or do I prepare myself to go through it all over again?
I know in my mind that giving up on trying to have a better experience this time is a slippery slope. If I think that way already, how much worse will my state of mind be once the baby is born? I don't really want to think about it... But it's hard not to go there sometimes, when that's the only way I've ever experienced it.
I didn't realize how fresh it all still is until my husband and I were talking the other night about what I was like during those times. He told me that I'll need to take better care of myself this time. He told me that he couldn't even get me to have a glass of water or eat something, anything. For some reason, I just found myself tearing up at the sudden memory of what it felt like to be in that place. I wanted to be able to promise him that I would take better care of myself. That he could just concentrate on taking care of the kids this time. For once. But, when my mind went there again, I remembered just how hard it was. How hard it was to make myself eat when I really didn't want to. I had no appetite. No will to keep myself hydrated. I was both numb and unresponsive, as well as an anxious, teary mess. I wasn't coping. At all.
For a while now, that all felt like a long time ago. Suddenly, it feels like yesterday.
I don't want to just survive. I want to live. I want to enjoy my baby. For once, I just want to enjoy the bliss of sitting up with my baby at night, feeding, and enjoying the peace and quiet of night. I know (believe me, I know by now!) that it isn't always peaceful - there is some crying, pooping, stubborn burps, and all that. But I don't want to feel that dread, that heavy stone in my stomach as the evening approaches. The dread of what I know is coming. I don't want to sit there on the couch by myself every midnight, tears running down my face while my baby feeds, because I know that most likely I will not be able to get to sleep between this feed and the next. I'll be going to bed and getting up to do it all over again, without having slept at all. I was so tired and desperate for sleep that just wouldn't come. Sometimes while lying in bed, I just got so overwhelmed by the exhaustion and this anxiety that wouldn't let me sleep, that I'd just burst into tears, and my husband would have to try to calm me down so we could both get some rest.
I'm just so scared.
During a devotional the other day, I was reminded of God's goodness to me in my last round of PND. Just thinking about it fills my heart to overflowing with love for God. He fought some hard battles for me and won. He brought me through it all. He was faithful and watched over me, even in the darkest of days. When I started leaning on him (and I wish I had sooner!), I felt his love for me. I felt the warmth of his love. The more time I spent talking with him, the more I understood his very real power. He became more real to me that he ever was before. When I woke with a panic attack in the middle of the night, I called out to him and he gave me instant peace. Instant. I went back to sleep easily. He showed me what he can do for me if I would only believe it. If I would only ask.
Oh, I wish I had come to him sooner! Much sooner!
I know this time will be different in this way - I am so much closer to God than I ever was during my PND both times. I'm not unarmed this time. I have God on my side and I will not fight it in my own power but with his. My own power will run out fast but his is never exhausted. It will be there for me to use whenever I ask for it. God showed me that last time. I'm still learning to trust him in all things. To believe that he will actually be there to catch me if I fall. I know it won't be easy. Life is hard sometimes. Really hard. But I know in my heart that whatever happens - I will be okay. Even if only in the end. Now I just need to convince my mind. My overworked, very busy mind.
When I think about what's ahead, I sometimes get really excited and feel at peace. Protected by God. Other days, when I'm not quite so alert to the way my thoughts are heading, I feel the anxiety eating away at me. Subtly, but definitely trying to unravel me. Trying to warp my thoughts and twist the truth. Trying to frighten me. I belong to God. I'm trying to take those thoughts captive and offer them up to God, for him to remind me of who I am. I ask him to open my eyes and show me where my thoughts leave the truth. He brings me back and embraces me in his loving care. I'm far from perfect, but he loves me fiercely and pursues me to no end.
I still have work to do. But today I am physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually stronger than I ever was. And I think that is a good place to start from.
Jesus, you have brought me through the fire. You are faithful and you will do it again.
Some verses to leave you with, that are close to my heart and have given me so much comfort and strength....
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4: 6-7
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:28-30
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
John 14:27
"God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging."
Psalm 46: 1-3
xx
Lief jou!!!! Sterkte
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