Plans! Glorious Plans!

Hey!

What a crazy time it's been...

My brain is fried. I've spent so much time researching and looking into different things to help my mental health for when baby comes, like omega 3, B vitamins, probiotics etc. which all play some role in keeping your head in a good space. Omega 3 for healthy brain function (important for thinking straight!), B vitamins for helping with particularly stressful times, probiotics because gut health and mental health issues seem to have a link.... There are many more things but I won't go into all that - not today, anyway!

I've also looked into other tips for preventing post natal depression. Must share them with you one day - or maybe once I know if they've worked. For me, at least.

I'm nearly 20 weeks - halfway there... Part of me feels like it's gone slowly and the other part feels like it's all approaching a little fast. Sometimes, I think I have to feel fully prepared for when this baby comes. Like I almost have to know my 'plan' from back to front - all the supplements and strategies that I'm going to use to try to bypass post natal depression. I guess I do need to be organised - being organised is great for reducing stress. I might make many, many plans about what I can do to avoid PND this time. And I'm sure I will. I could plan to my heart's content. But you know what? If all those supplements and strategies fail me, what have I got to fall back on? Where does that leave me?

I've become more keenly aware that the most important bit - my relationship with Jesus - is in dire need of attention. I've been so busy researching various things that I can do to reduce the chances, but ultimately it was Jesus who pulled me through that mess. Why am I letting myself head in the same direction as last time? It was only after many, many months into my PND that I starting clinging to him. He pulled my head above the water so I could gasp for air. And now? Now, even though I say I trust him and he's proven himself trustworthy, I seem to be acting as if I can/need to do it on my own.

I can't!

My goodness. I should know that by now.

So, I'm going to invest my time in growing closer to him, in finding a regular quiet space where I can intentionally seek his voice and spend time in his presence. Time to just listen and wait on him. For wisdom, knowledge, peace - or whatever it is he knows I need.  After trying out this 'quiet 'space', I realized how unaccustomed I've become to just be still. Thoughts raced and whirled around in my mind and I quickly realized, this is going to take some practice!

Life is so complex sometimes. It is so hard to just drop it all, for any given amount of time, and quiet your mind.

Is it just me?

Each day brings its own brand of crazy. Each day is different. Each day has its struggles. There's joy in there somewhere too, if you really look for it. I'm starting to learn that healing from anxiety requires thinking that is healthy.  In this sense, that is - it is not actually the challenge that is my challenge. It's the way that I think about my challenge. It isn't the problem that's my problem. The way I look at my problem is my problem.

My aim for each day should be to cling to God. Rest in him. Go to him. Seek his face. Ask for his strength to take those intense thoughts captive. Every day. I need to read his Word. Meditate on his goodness to me and never forget what he has achieved on my behalf. Sing songs of praise to him. Make time for him. Thank him for each good thing that comes into my life.

Something God has revealed and highlighted to me many times over as I've read my Bible lately, is that thankfulness trumps anxiety. It's incredible, the power thankfulness has. I find that in the hardest of times, it is the hardest to think of things to be thankful for. But, once I go there, it just lifts me up and makes my heart overflow with love for God. He starts opening my eyes to all the blessings he has given me, as if to say, "Look. I haven't forgotten you. I have not forsaken you. Even though in this world you will have struggles, my eyes never leave you and I will always equip you for your journey - you need only to ask." He's never asked us to go it alone. That is the last thing he wants and it is never his plan. It is up to us to turn to him and ask for his strength. He is all about relationship. Sure, he could just courier that strength to us whenever necessary, without as much as a word being spoken between us. But God wants us. That's all he ever wanted. It's why he sent Jesus for us so that we can be right with him again, despite all our shortcomings. To restore the relationship between us and him. He knows everything about us (yikes!) and still he wants us. God is merciful and full of grace. He is not the scary, cold-hearted God that the world has made him out to be. No. I have felt his presence and it is the most wonderful, comforting, and joyful feeling. There are no words amazing enough to describe it.

So, yes - I can plan away as if I am in total control.... and live in denial that sometimes stuff just happens. I could forget that I've been through this before, that I thought I'd know what to expect and that even the second time, I was bowled over by unexpected events. Sure, the labour and birth went SO much better the second time. I was incredibly pleased about that, as the first time was a bit traumatic. What I hadn't planned on was my baby going into respiratory distress and being re-admitted to hospital the very next day. I didn't plan on seeing her in NICU, looking so small and vulnerable while hooked up to machines. I didn't plan on her going back again at 10 days old with reflux issues. I didn't plan on having trouble with breastfeeding again and having to give it up after only a few weeks again. I didn't plan on having PND again. No, I didn't plan any of that.

The thing is - my life is not mine alone to do with what I will. It should be clear by now that it isn't possible. So maybe the third  time, things won't go according to plan either. Stuff happens. But if that is the case, I will have Jesus to lean on, to take my troubles to. I'll have him to help me pick up the pieces and to lend me his strength to endure the things that I can't endure on my own. The storm may gain momentum and toss me around. I might get wet and swallow some water. I might feel like I can take no more. But then I will remember that I did throw the anchor down before the storm hit and that while the waves might tower over me, I won't be washed away.

The most important thing of all for me to do, while preparing myself for whatever may come later on this year, is to work on getting that anchor overboard. To find a new level of intimacy with Jesus. To cling to him. To stand firm on the truth of who God is and therefore the truth of who I am. He is my mighty God. I am his beloved. He is mine, and I am his.

This is the season for worrying less and trusting more.
Less fear and more faith!

With God's help, I will experience that.

This day isn't over yet! Who will you cling to? xx