"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you."
Baby Boy is turning one tomorrow!
Wowzers. It's been a big, big year.
And there's been a couple of exciting developments for me in the last little while...
On Sunday I did something I never thought I'd have the courage to do. I got baptized! God has been prompting me for about 3 years. The idea was scary to me. Ever since I made that decision, months ago, I've been sweating profusely at the idea of me being the center of attention for even a moment. Walking up to the front. Holding a microphone and talking to a huge building full of people. Not just talking, but telling them something very personal. I've never been one for public speaking. Never.
So, on Sunday we went to church. I sat and waited until it was time for all the people getting baptized to go up to the front. The waiting was torture! My stomach was doing flips. My emotions were riding the most extreme roller coaster. I thought I might actually puke, or cry, or something. Oh, I felt ill. I prayed over and over for God to give me the courage to speak. I just could not picture myself doing it. I debated in my head, over and over again, how much I should share. Would I be oversharing, with what I had planned to say?
It was time. I somehow got onto my feet and walked to the front, avoiding looking at the mass of people as I went. Then there I was - at the front. I looked up. I felt like a deer in the headlights. It was all so foreign to me, seeing church from that angle. There they were. All the people. So many of them. Looking at me. I heard that only a couple of people were going to speak out of the nine being baptized. My heart jumped into my throat when the microphone was offered to me. Last chance to chicken out. For a brief moment, I considered not saying anything. But, I felt so strongly that God wanted me to speak. Not only speak, but be open and honest about how I came to be standing there. By some miracle of God, that trumped my fear. I took the microphone. I didn't talk for long, but I told them about my three rounds of postnatal depression. About experiencing the power of Jesus in such incredible, mind-blowing ways. I told them that he is my Deliverer and my Peace. I told them that I love him. Then I gave the microphone back.
Phew. I did the thing I was most scared of, out of the whole baptism process. I'm telling you, I could not have done that without the courage given me by Jesus. He wanted me to do it and he faithfully equipped me for it.
Later on I got changed into my togs, all the while laughing at myself because fact is that if I hadn't procrastinated so much I wouldn't have ended up doing this in the middle of winter. It was a little cold! I was then baptized outside, and was surrounded by friends and family who prayed for me, gave me Bible verses that they felt God wanted me to hear, gave me lots of words of encouragement, and lots of hugs. It was a beautiful, special thing. A few people later on sent me a message, saying that they were encouraged by what I had said in church, which I really needed to hear. It was a confirmation that there were people waiting at the other end of my obedience to say what God had urged me to say.
Now, that's not the only exciting thing that's happened recently, but I wanted to share the most important thing first! Anyway, let's go back a few weeks. I came off my medication for post natal depression (insert a very uncoordinated happy dance)! It's exciting now, but it was more like feeling anxious about coming off my anxiety medication. Sound concerning? Yeah, it was a bit! The winds of apprehension were swirling.
What if I'm not ready?
Will I feel like a failure if it turns out I can't do without it yet?
What if I never feel ready?
The first two times I had PND, I got to a point where I was pretty sure I'd be fine. I didn't feel nervous about my decision. This time was different. I didn't feel as ready, if I'm going to be totally honest with myself, and you. I prayed about it a lot. I thought and I prayed and I questioned and I dissected my entire brain trying to figure out what I should do. I really wanted to come off the medication. After a while, I felt God telling me that he would be my strength. That I didn't need to be fearful anymore. And so I did it. After talking to my doctor, I stopped the medication.
Well, I can tell you, it felt a bit like an old-fashioned mini car trying to make its way through the Amazon forest. I did not feel equipped for the terrain! It was okay at first, but then the tires got stuck, mud splattered everywhere, and the windshield wipers were hopelessly unqualified for clearing the mess. It was rough. Everyone promptly got sick and I was up every hour in the night, sometimes for all three kids. I had several wobbles. Some of my symptoms came back - the intense physical feelings of anxiety, tension especially in my jaw to the point of it becoming clicky and sore, and just feeling really low. It still was better than it had been when Baby Boy was born, but it was still survival more than anything. Much less than I had hoped for. I stuck it out for about 3 weeks, thinking things would just start to get better. But it didn't, and I started to lose hope and despondency crept in. Was this as good as it was going to get? I was confused. God told me that he would take care of it. So, why hadn't he?
I went to my women's home group one evening, feeling so heavy and discouraged. So emotional. I nearly decided not to go. I told them about what had been going on and they prayed for me. I had really been wanting someone to pray for me about this. For some reason I felt in my heart that's what I needed. I just hadn't been totally open about it or courageous enough to share my struggles more. Well, they prayed for me and I did feel a bit lighter in a way, that night. But more than that, since that night, all of my symptoms have been gone. All of it. The anxiety. The physical tension that was 24/7. The depression. Gone! I realize now that the still voice nudging me to reach out and get some prayer on the situation was God. He hadn't left me to deal with it on my own. He had a plan. And his plan was better. His plan showed me that he is listening and that he cares. It showed me his power. It was better than what I had in mind. He is always working for the good of those who love him.
I cannot tell you just how much joy and relief I feel... The freedom. Words could never do it justice. The peace and confidence I have in knowing that Jesus will carry me through the darkest valleys is what gives me hope every day. He says he will do it, and I know he will - because he's done it for me so many times before. He is faithful.
I will leave you with a few verses from Isaiah 43 that a friend gave me at my baptism. They give me such joy and comfort because I know now that it's true. He's done these things for me.
1-2
"..Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."
18-19
"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland."
Wowzers. It's been a big, big year.
And there's been a couple of exciting developments for me in the last little while...
On Sunday I did something I never thought I'd have the courage to do. I got baptized! God has been prompting me for about 3 years. The idea was scary to me. Ever since I made that decision, months ago, I've been sweating profusely at the idea of me being the center of attention for even a moment. Walking up to the front. Holding a microphone and talking to a huge building full of people. Not just talking, but telling them something very personal. I've never been one for public speaking. Never.
So, on Sunday we went to church. I sat and waited until it was time for all the people getting baptized to go up to the front. The waiting was torture! My stomach was doing flips. My emotions were riding the most extreme roller coaster. I thought I might actually puke, or cry, or something. Oh, I felt ill. I prayed over and over for God to give me the courage to speak. I just could not picture myself doing it. I debated in my head, over and over again, how much I should share. Would I be oversharing, with what I had planned to say?
It was time. I somehow got onto my feet and walked to the front, avoiding looking at the mass of people as I went. Then there I was - at the front. I looked up. I felt like a deer in the headlights. It was all so foreign to me, seeing church from that angle. There they were. All the people. So many of them. Looking at me. I heard that only a couple of people were going to speak out of the nine being baptized. My heart jumped into my throat when the microphone was offered to me. Last chance to chicken out. For a brief moment, I considered not saying anything. But, I felt so strongly that God wanted me to speak. Not only speak, but be open and honest about how I came to be standing there. By some miracle of God, that trumped my fear. I took the microphone. I didn't talk for long, but I told them about my three rounds of postnatal depression. About experiencing the power of Jesus in such incredible, mind-blowing ways. I told them that he is my Deliverer and my Peace. I told them that I love him. Then I gave the microphone back.
Phew. I did the thing I was most scared of, out of the whole baptism process. I'm telling you, I could not have done that without the courage given me by Jesus. He wanted me to do it and he faithfully equipped me for it.
Later on I got changed into my togs, all the while laughing at myself because fact is that if I hadn't procrastinated so much I wouldn't have ended up doing this in the middle of winter. It was a little cold! I was then baptized outside, and was surrounded by friends and family who prayed for me, gave me Bible verses that they felt God wanted me to hear, gave me lots of words of encouragement, and lots of hugs. It was a beautiful, special thing. A few people later on sent me a message, saying that they were encouraged by what I had said in church, which I really needed to hear. It was a confirmation that there were people waiting at the other end of my obedience to say what God had urged me to say.
Now, that's not the only exciting thing that's happened recently, but I wanted to share the most important thing first! Anyway, let's go back a few weeks. I came off my medication for post natal depression (insert a very uncoordinated happy dance)! It's exciting now, but it was more like feeling anxious about coming off my anxiety medication. Sound concerning? Yeah, it was a bit! The winds of apprehension were swirling.
What if I'm not ready?
Will I feel like a failure if it turns out I can't do without it yet?
What if I never feel ready?
The first two times I had PND, I got to a point where I was pretty sure I'd be fine. I didn't feel nervous about my decision. This time was different. I didn't feel as ready, if I'm going to be totally honest with myself, and you. I prayed about it a lot. I thought and I prayed and I questioned and I dissected my entire brain trying to figure out what I should do. I really wanted to come off the medication. After a while, I felt God telling me that he would be my strength. That I didn't need to be fearful anymore. And so I did it. After talking to my doctor, I stopped the medication.
Well, I can tell you, it felt a bit like an old-fashioned mini car trying to make its way through the Amazon forest. I did not feel equipped for the terrain! It was okay at first, but then the tires got stuck, mud splattered everywhere, and the windshield wipers were hopelessly unqualified for clearing the mess. It was rough. Everyone promptly got sick and I was up every hour in the night, sometimes for all three kids. I had several wobbles. Some of my symptoms came back - the intense physical feelings of anxiety, tension especially in my jaw to the point of it becoming clicky and sore, and just feeling really low. It still was better than it had been when Baby Boy was born, but it was still survival more than anything. Much less than I had hoped for. I stuck it out for about 3 weeks, thinking things would just start to get better. But it didn't, and I started to lose hope and despondency crept in. Was this as good as it was going to get? I was confused. God told me that he would take care of it. So, why hadn't he?
I went to my women's home group one evening, feeling so heavy and discouraged. So emotional. I nearly decided not to go. I told them about what had been going on and they prayed for me. I had really been wanting someone to pray for me about this. For some reason I felt in my heart that's what I needed. I just hadn't been totally open about it or courageous enough to share my struggles more. Well, they prayed for me and I did feel a bit lighter in a way, that night. But more than that, since that night, all of my symptoms have been gone. All of it. The anxiety. The physical tension that was 24/7. The depression. Gone! I realize now that the still voice nudging me to reach out and get some prayer on the situation was God. He hadn't left me to deal with it on my own. He had a plan. And his plan was better. His plan showed me that he is listening and that he cares. It showed me his power. It was better than what I had in mind. He is always working for the good of those who love him.
I cannot tell you just how much joy and relief I feel... The freedom. Words could never do it justice. The peace and confidence I have in knowing that Jesus will carry me through the darkest valleys is what gives me hope every day. He says he will do it, and I know he will - because he's done it for me so many times before. He is faithful.
I will leave you with a few verses from Isaiah 43 that a friend gave me at my baptism. They give me such joy and comfort because I know now that it's true. He's done these things for me.
1-2
"..Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."
18-19
"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland."
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