My First Love - Poetry

Hi! I've been blogging about my anxiety adventures, if you haven't been here before. A very warm welcome to you! This post, however is going to go down a slightly random path. Well, perhaps for you, but for me it is a well-trodden one! You see, I've been writing poems since I was a kid - on and off, through various chapters of my life. Sometimes I wrote a lot, sometimes not at all. But it's always been running in my veins.

I've found that most of my poems are a bit sad, and I guess that's because it's how I express myself when I can't quite explain how I feel. Not a lot of happy poems! I've written probably at least a couple hundred or something, but I could count the happy ones on just one hand. Anyway, I was doing some spring cleaning (yeah, I know, bit late since we're in Autumn now) and I stumbled across some poems I wrote a while back, maybe a year ago if I was to guess. Wow. It really transported me back to where I was at during that time of anxiety and post-natal depression. I'm taking another leap of faith by sharing one of those with you now. In fact, I'll give you two - the second one is one I wrote just a couple of days ago and looking from one to the other, I've come a long, long way! The contrast illustrates the incredible change I've felt within myself over the last few months.  I pretty much never show my poems to anyone, but I've undergone a rapid confidence makeover lately and I'm just going to do it and not think about it too much (which I'm still learning to do!). Before I change my mind - quick!

Tangled Forest

Where the creek had once run deep

Now away all life will sweep

It runs dry and clay will crack

It’s all gone and won’t come back

My body is in overdrive

The fear and dread keep me alive

Spring had come and now has gone

It leaves me bare, I can’t move on.

You could lead me to the gate

Unlock it, hold it open, wait.

My feet are frozen to the ground

You call for me but not a sound.

I lie awake and toss all night

I get up with the morning light

But even with the warmth you hold

Where I lie it’s deathly cold.

Sometimes my soul drifts back to You

The days when we were young and new

A luke warm longing, but no pine

Yet, I was yours and you were mine.

My heart hardens, so it must

Protect against the salt and rust

Bury deep what’s left inside

Hide it from the rising tide.

The longing that I once had known

Has left the nest and off its flown

All but ruined, piece by piece

Desire, love, and kindness cease.

A tangled forest is our woe

Round and round we seem to go

A beaten path, yet we get lost

And swallowed by the biting frost

Where there was sun, there now is snow

I shiver from my head to toe

You sting my cheeks, you burn my skin

The fissures make their way within

My mind floats numbly, void of trust

All ambition turned to dust.

The sinkhole in my heart grows deeper

The cliff gets higher, bold, and steeper.

My pillow damp with nightly tears

I sink into my too-real fears

They grip me until I can’t breathe

The desolation brews beneath.

The moon calls out to me at night

A voice whispers, “Start the fight.

Catch your tears and let them dry,

And offer them up to the sky.”

Losing grip, I stumble on

Fight and fire dampened, gone.

Completely drained and without hope

I’m sliding further down this slope.

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 Fast forward to just a couple of days ago...

Into the Water

A new dawn is breaking

And I’m not what I became

Something stirs within me;

The horizon calls my name.

Running forth, not looking back

I sprint with all my might

Toward the One who speaks to me,

Though always out of sight.

His voice like an undertone,

Softly spurring on

The fight that burns inside my heart;

The spark I thought was gone.

I step into the water,

My eyes set straight ahead -

Inching deeper, faith intact

For where I’m being led.

Further than where I could wander,

Trust will take me still,

Closer to the One I love

Who died upon a hill.

Over raging waters;

The depth of them unknown,

I’ll walk with loving Guidance

Assured I’m not alone.

Though fear may prowl around me,

It will not make me stumble;

Though lightning strikes the seven seas

And thunder booms and rumbles.

My Counsellor will lead me on

Deep waters, full of grace;

My trust transformed while I tread on,

My gaze fixed on His face.

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Can I just say, I'm loving life? I am so thankful for God hauling me out of my misery and every day I am amazed at the excitement and anticipation swelling in my heart. Yes, some days are hard. Some of them are really hard. But, I just feel like it's not the end of the world anymore. It's okay. Tomorrow is a new day. My life will go by in the blink of an eye and I'm so grateful for the burning desire God has put in me, to do what I can, for as long as I can - until He takes me home to be with Him.

So, whether you're having a good day or a bad day today - tomorrow is just around the corner! And I hope it brings you something to smile about xx