Poem time

The weeks are flying by!

We're still having heaps of fun over here. Don't get me wrong - it's not all rainbows and unicorns pooping jellybeans. The kids still have meltdowns and to be honest, so does Mummy, but we're alright. We're still enjoying each other and doing heaps of stuff we never really had time for before, (or made time for).

Somehow, lockdown has been some of the best weeks of my life. It's been a lot of joy and togetherness in a way that I've never appreciated before.There were a couple of low points too. One of them just a few days ago and it hit me rather unexpectedly. I said something that I shouldn't have and I prayed about it and felt that I needed to confess it to God and ask for his forgiveness. So, I did. But, I kept thinking about it. I just didn't feel forgiven. Foreign thoughts kept popping into my head, saying Are you sure? Are you really forgiven? How can Jesus forgive you for what you said? How can someone like you be good enough? How can you be close to Jesus when you do things like that? These thoughts kept swirling round in my head.

I didn't understand why the weight of my sin was still on me. I thought Jesus is supposed to take it away. Well, why is it not gone? I found myself feeling more and more down. I kept praying, kept asking God to fix whatever is going on. I kept the conversation going, even though it was feeling more and more like I was talking to a wall. That's not how it usually feels when I talk to God and I was starting to get downright panicky about it. Desperate and frantic. Where is He? I listened to some worship music but it just didn't feel the same.

Then, after a few days, while listening to a song, God broke the wall down. Just like that. Flattened. I felt his presence again. This is the song I was listening to Dancing on the Waves and it was the perfect reminder to me that He would never just let me go like that. I really encourage you to listen to it. It declared the truth that I was blind to (for a little while) and I realized the thoughts that came to me about Jesus were simply not true. I saw what happened for what it was. The enemy is always trying to separate us from the love of God. Sometimes it makes me forget that I'm free and drives me back into my slave mentality. I was the one holding onto what I did, not God. All those doubts and questioning that was entering my head were not based on truth.

Am I sure that I'm forgiven? Yes! Jesus died for me.

How can Jesus forgive me for what I did? He already has forgiven me everything.

How can someone like me be good enough?  How can I be close to Jesus when I do things like that?He sees my heart and knows how sorry I am. That's good enough for him. My sins pile up but His love and mercy is greater. Jesus died for me so that I could be close to him and leave the past even though I'm nowhere near perfect. That's the beauty of the whole thing!

After coming out of my weird little funk, I wanted to write down some stuff that would help me remember that God is always with me. I wanted something that would remind me of his goodness in my life. His character. His love. I wanted to remind myself of who He is - my King, my constant Friend, my Saviour, my Counselor, my Peace and my Joy. It started out as just a few little bits and pieces that I wrote for myself to remember, but then it turned into a poem and the next thing I knew, I had written the longest poem of my life! God wanted me to share it with you guys, so here it is.

 I hope you find something in it that comforts you and tells you of the unfailing love of Jesus xx

When I’m feeling weak

you are my source of strength

When perseverance still falls short

you are my endless length

When I feel misunderstood

you know my history

When I feel defeated

you are my victory

When I’m feeling low

you are the highest height

When I think I’m not enough

I’m precious in your sight

When I’ve nothing left at all

I know that you’re still mine

My plans may fail and fall apart

but yours are all divine

When long nights all merge as one

you’re the soft voice in the dark

And when my scars are aching so

you soothe my every mark

When I’ve waited far too long

your patient love is timeless

When life has all but stripped me bare

you clothe me with your kindness

When the whole world’s changing

you always stay the same

When I feel forgotten

you call me by my name

When my world is caving in

you hold up every pillar

When the waves surge back and forth

you make the waters stiller

When turmoil builds inside my head

you know my every fear

When I weep, you weep with me

you see my every tear

When I’m feeling overwhelmed

you are my anchor strong

When I feel I don’t fit in

you’re right where I belong

When I’m sitting in the dark

you see me plain as day

When my heart is hurting

you take the sting away

When I’m feeling so alone

your presence fills my soul

When promises are broken

your words will remain whole

When I’m feeling lost

you are my one true home

When I’ve reached my limits

there’s nowhere you can’t go

When I have no words

you know my thoughts completely

When I feel unreachable

you’re always right beside me

When I’m feeling vulnerable

you shield me with your wing

When my hands are empty

you give me everything

When I want to walk away

you are my staying power

When I forget how loved I am

you tell me every hour

When everything feels hopeless

you are my hope and light

And when my joy has faded

you are my heart’s delight

When my strength is sapped

you’re the one who helps me stand

When I feel I’m falling

you hold me in your hand

When I don’t understand myself

I’m no mystery to you

When I feel unworthy

it’s me you still pursue

When there’s nothing left in me

you are my strength and fight

When the love has turned lukewarm

you set my soul alight

When the embers have gone cold

it’s you who lights the fire

When I’ve lost all I used to have

you are my one desire

When love has reached its borders

your love for me is wild

When the storm keeps raging on

you calm your fearful child

When pleas are falling on deaf ears

you hear my every cry

When other people come and go

you’ll never say goodbye

When my failures dragged me down

you made them disappear

When I could not move at all

you died to lead me here

When I needed guidance

you said, “Come follow me”

When I was blinded by my fear

you healed my eyes to see

When my heart is all in pieces

you hold it all together

When others let me down again

your love endures forever

When my mind is filled with doubt

your faithfulness is clear

When hidden motives lurk around

your deep love draws me near

When things feel out of my control

you show me you are King

When I come against a wall

you break through anything

When my walls are going up

you talk them down again

When I feel imprisoned

you shatter every chain

When my heart is longing

you comfort me with peace

When my love is fickle

your love will never cease

When darkness hides your face

your peace is not concealed

When it seemed that death had won

by your wounds I’m healed

When I let you down

you forgive me my mistake

When my sins engulf me

your death was for my sake

When human nature’s ugly

your mercy always wins

While my faults were vast

you forgave me all my sins

When a multitude of failures grow

sufficient is your grace

So when I need you here with me

I simply seek your face

I’ll sing your praise for always

you settled all my debt

Forever I will follow you

you’ve never failed me yet