Sunday Thoughts
Baby Boy is 8 weeks old!
Babies have lots of milestones...but today I met one of my own - I finally made it to church! I had forgotten how good it is for my soul, to reconnect with people after my 2-month hibernation, be surrounded by my church family, and praise God in song. I felt a renewed intimacy with Jesus. I felt energized!
Also, today I was asked why I keep having babies when it's so hard for me every time.
Like I'm a bit crazy.
You might be wondering too.
Well, maybe I am crazy. But, I believe every life is precious. When I know a little life exists, there is nothing to do but nurture that life and bear with whatever challenges come as a result. Sometimes those challenges are big. Sometimes they seem like mountains, towering over me, blocking my view, and I don't know if I have what it takes to get to the top. Sometimes, I feel like I definitely don't have what it takes.
It's a sacrifice. Oh yes, a big one. I sacrificed my body to the process of growing these little people. I continue to sacrifice my body to feed Baby Boy. I've sacrificed my time and energy. I've sacrificed freedom. I've sacrificed my mental health. I've sacrificed all of these things three times.
And the reason is love.
God has told me to love people. He didn't say to love people when it's convenient. He didn't say to love people when I feel like it. Love isn't some wishy-washy thing that people talk about but don't do. Love is a verb. It's not what people say that makes you decide whether they love you or not. When it comes down to it - you look at what they do. Do they put you above themselves?
John 15: 13 says, "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends."
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
1 Corinthians 13: 4-7
That's what I try to do. I fail sometimes. I fail a lot. But I'm trying. I also don't want PND to define what my family looks like. Hard as it is, the PND doesn't last. I can say that with confidence, as it's the third time for me. And what I'm left with are these incredible children to enjoy. Yeah, my husband and I always thought we'd have two children. But things change and things happen. We take it one kid at a time. My life is in God's hands and he knows what and who I need in my life. He knows who this world needs. I do feel so blessed to have these 3 little people in my life. I'm honoured that God chose me to be their Mama. I genuinely enjoy them so very much. I'm also trying to remind myself that they are indeed precious - even when I'm fishing my belongings out of the toilet, even when I'm cleaning the drawings off the furniture, even when I'm crying harder than the crying baby because sometimes I just can't figure him out. I'm still working on enjoying my newest addition to the family, but that's not his fault. He is cute as a button, and I'm trying my best. The issue is with me - not him. I'm still mostly in survival mode. Some might find offence with my saying I'm still working on enjoying him, but I'm just being very honest here. It's been hard. We will get there. We always do.
So, it's with trust that I carry on in my motherhood journey. Trusting that God will guide me. Trusting that God will deliver me. Trusting that he will lift me up from the depths of the darkness I find myself in. Trusting that he will carry me when I'm weak. Trusting that when I'm feeling lost, I'm in plain sight to him. Trusting that when my thoughts are growing dark he will give me peace.
He has been good to me. He has given me incredible parents who go above and beyond to support me, 2 sisters more than willing to help, meals/baking from lots of people, friends and church family who pray for me and check up on me, a baby who sleeps really well at night so I can *cope* with all 3 kids during the day, a supportive husband who isn't afraid to 'get in there' and help with the kids. He's protecting my mind from suicidal thoughts. He's given me guidance and reminders to look to him for strength.
He is faithful. He is teaching me to look for him in the midst of chaos, when I'm feeling overwhelmed and anxiety has a grip on me. The other day, I was struggling with Baby Boy, who wouldn't settle, and as I walked him around the lounge, feeling more and more frazzled, God told me to be still. I looked out the window and saw the blue sky and the spring flowers blooming in the garden. I was reminded of how powerful God is. He made all these beautiful things for us to enjoy, and if he can do that, surely he can take care of me. I may be frazzled, but he's not. No matter how out of control I feel, he is always in control. I'm still learning to trust him. All the time. He reminds me that he is always taking care of me. When I remember to ask for his strength, He faithfully gives it.
I feel like one of those days where it's been dark clouds and chilly winds all day, but all of a sudden it gets lighter, and you know the sun is just about to shine through any moment.
I'm so thankful to everyone who has been looking after me - whether it's a meal, some baking, help with the kids, a visit, flowers, a phone call, a letter, a message, a prayer, or anything else. I appreciate it all. I have felt so loved.
Can I encourage you to do something nice for someone? Anything. Big or small. You never know, sometimes people smile when they feel like crying. Sometimes they seem calm, but there's a storm raging inside. Sometimes they laugh, but they feel numb. Sometimes people have battles you know nothing about xx
Babies have lots of milestones...but today I met one of my own - I finally made it to church! I had forgotten how good it is for my soul, to reconnect with people after my 2-month hibernation, be surrounded by my church family, and praise God in song. I felt a renewed intimacy with Jesus. I felt energized!
Also, today I was asked why I keep having babies when it's so hard for me every time.
Like I'm a bit crazy.
You might be wondering too.
Well, maybe I am crazy. But, I believe every life is precious. When I know a little life exists, there is nothing to do but nurture that life and bear with whatever challenges come as a result. Sometimes those challenges are big. Sometimes they seem like mountains, towering over me, blocking my view, and I don't know if I have what it takes to get to the top. Sometimes, I feel like I definitely don't have what it takes.
It's a sacrifice. Oh yes, a big one. I sacrificed my body to the process of growing these little people. I continue to sacrifice my body to feed Baby Boy. I've sacrificed my time and energy. I've sacrificed freedom. I've sacrificed my mental health. I've sacrificed all of these things three times.
And the reason is love.
God has told me to love people. He didn't say to love people when it's convenient. He didn't say to love people when I feel like it. Love isn't some wishy-washy thing that people talk about but don't do. Love is a verb. It's not what people say that makes you decide whether they love you or not. When it comes down to it - you look at what they do. Do they put you above themselves?
John 15: 13 says, "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends."
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
1 Corinthians 13: 4-7
That's what I try to do. I fail sometimes. I fail a lot. But I'm trying. I also don't want PND to define what my family looks like. Hard as it is, the PND doesn't last. I can say that with confidence, as it's the third time for me. And what I'm left with are these incredible children to enjoy. Yeah, my husband and I always thought we'd have two children. But things change and things happen. We take it one kid at a time. My life is in God's hands and he knows what and who I need in my life. He knows who this world needs. I do feel so blessed to have these 3 little people in my life. I'm honoured that God chose me to be their Mama. I genuinely enjoy them so very much. I'm also trying to remind myself that they are indeed precious - even when I'm fishing my belongings out of the toilet, even when I'm cleaning the drawings off the furniture, even when I'm crying harder than the crying baby because sometimes I just can't figure him out. I'm still working on enjoying my newest addition to the family, but that's not his fault. He is cute as a button, and I'm trying my best. The issue is with me - not him. I'm still mostly in survival mode. Some might find offence with my saying I'm still working on enjoying him, but I'm just being very honest here. It's been hard. We will get there. We always do.
So, it's with trust that I carry on in my motherhood journey. Trusting that God will guide me. Trusting that God will deliver me. Trusting that he will lift me up from the depths of the darkness I find myself in. Trusting that he will carry me when I'm weak. Trusting that when I'm feeling lost, I'm in plain sight to him. Trusting that when my thoughts are growing dark he will give me peace.
He has been good to me. He has given me incredible parents who go above and beyond to support me, 2 sisters more than willing to help, meals/baking from lots of people, friends and church family who pray for me and check up on me, a baby who sleeps really well at night so I can *cope* with all 3 kids during the day, a supportive husband who isn't afraid to 'get in there' and help with the kids. He's protecting my mind from suicidal thoughts. He's given me guidance and reminders to look to him for strength.
He is faithful. He is teaching me to look for him in the midst of chaos, when I'm feeling overwhelmed and anxiety has a grip on me. The other day, I was struggling with Baby Boy, who wouldn't settle, and as I walked him around the lounge, feeling more and more frazzled, God told me to be still. I looked out the window and saw the blue sky and the spring flowers blooming in the garden. I was reminded of how powerful God is. He made all these beautiful things for us to enjoy, and if he can do that, surely he can take care of me. I may be frazzled, but he's not. No matter how out of control I feel, he is always in control. I'm still learning to trust him. All the time. He reminds me that he is always taking care of me. When I remember to ask for his strength, He faithfully gives it.
I feel like one of those days where it's been dark clouds and chilly winds all day, but all of a sudden it gets lighter, and you know the sun is just about to shine through any moment.
I'm so thankful to everyone who has been looking after me - whether it's a meal, some baking, help with the kids, a visit, flowers, a phone call, a letter, a message, a prayer, or anything else. I appreciate it all. I have felt so loved.
Can I encourage you to do something nice for someone? Anything. Big or small. You never know, sometimes people smile when they feel like crying. Sometimes they seem calm, but there's a storm raging inside. Sometimes they laugh, but they feel numb. Sometimes people have battles you know nothing about xx
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