"Hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

Hello again!

My posts seem to be getting further and further apart. I haven’t made the time to ponder and stew over things. Not in a useful way at least. I do plenty of stewing – believe me! Life just gets insane sometimes. I know you know what I mean. My husband and I have been trying and trying to find a free weekend on our calendar to get away to the family beach house (owned by my parents) and it’s just not happening! Things just keep popping up and they seem sort of impossible to side-step or even delay. Not all bad things. Mostly good things, actually! But, I’m finding myself getting tired. It’s not that the WHOLE weekend is getting filled up, just a thing or two – but a thing or two too many for getting outta here!

Speaking of craziness - I’m still on my anxiety adventure, as I like to call it. 

What a thrill! 

And while things have improved bucket-loads, I still have my moments……or days…...

And always, in hindsight, I realize why those times I let my head get the better of me – I was envisioning the future without God. No, not on purpose. But it happens. A lot more often than I’d like to admit. It happens on days when I haven’t been praying. When I haven’t been in communication with the One who protects me. My mind wanders into the future and just kind of hangs out there. Lingering. I forget that I am never alone. I forget that because God is always by my side, just the slightest glance can connect me with him. He is present with me, regardless of whether I feel his presence or not.

There are so many distractions. So many voices whispering, insisting, demanding, even screaming for my attention. I’m being pulled in so many directions, sometimes I feel like I am tearing. I’m trying to juggle being a homemaker, a wife, a volunteer, a friend, a sister, a daughter, the list goes on.

Motherhood in itself has so many roles and qualifications….

Nurse,

Referee (if you’re a mum of more than one)

Teacher

Personal chef

Mess-Maker Patrol Squad

Taxi driver

Judge

Hair stylist

Errand runner

Janitor

Potty trainer

Search and rescue (for lost toys)

Sleep scientist (requiring many overnight studies)

Story teller

Bodyguard

Fort engineer

Housekeeper

Head cheerleader

Dishwasher

Personal assistant for the entire family

Separation-anxiety counsellor

Stain removal expert

Police officer

PhD in Anger Management

Google had to help me with list, but once I got started…

It’s hard not to get carried away with all of these things, feeling more and more frazzled as the day goes on. Some days go smoothly (and what a blessing that is!!) but the hard ones are hard. I crave the peace and quiet, but when I finally get it I can’t sit still! My mind is racing, thinking of all the things I need to or should do. It doesn’t even matter if it’s not urgent. Makes no difference. If there really isn’t any pressing matter, I seem to create them! What a loony. I waste my precious quiet time, filling it with ‘stuff’ and busyness, then feel exhausted at the end instead or feeling refreshed and restored. I get so angry at myself.

WHY, oh WHY, do I do this to myself?!

When I reach that point of utter frustration with myself, it takes one glance at Jesus and the tension starts to melt away. I remember why I’m here. I remember what counts. I realize that I was never meant to walk through this life alone. I long for the One who can wrap me in his embrace and calm my frazzled mind. I feel his love, like the wildest ocean, washing over me. All of a sudden I become aware of his presence – both a promise and a protection.

“And surely I am with you, to the very end of the age.”

Matthew 28:20

The best defense against fear and worry is staying in communication with Jesus. Anxiety sprouts up like weeds when your mind wanders too far. My biggest challenge right now is to include Him in any imagery that comes to mind. It doesn’t come easily. I’m used to being the director of my fantasies, however stressful they are.

Another defense is gratitude. It most surely eases anxiety. I need to remember that all good things are gifts from God. My possessions, family and friends, wellbeing and capabilities, my time – all of these were given to me. Instead of feeling like I am entitled to all of these blessings, I need to respond to them with gratitude. I need to be prepared to let go of anything that is taken away, but never let go of Jesus’ hand. His presence is a promise. No matter what losses or big changes I have in my life, that is the one true thing that can never be taken from me. Not in this life or the next.

Some days, finding joy is as straightforward as putting one foot in front of the other, and on other days I feel the burden of my seemingly endless journey. Those days are cloudy and grey. And yet, joy is still within reach! Jesus is my joy. And He’s not going anywhere. On those days, I have to search for that joy like hidden treasure. It’s hard to see but it is there. Awareness of his presence can put joy into the grayest of days.

I pray for God to open my eyes so that I can find him anywhere. To continually look to him for help, for comfort, for companionship. To come to him with my defences down and feel the tension ease. I have nothing to hide because he knows everything about me already. There is nothing that will shock him. I can bring to him all my feelings, even the feelings I so wish I didn’t have. Sometimes the attacks of anxiety are relentless. I will declare my trust in God, regardless of how I feel. I won’t hide my fear from God or pretend that it’s not happening. When you hide anxiety, it will give you a fear of fear. And that is a monster you don’t want under your bed. Bring your anxieties to God and deal with them together.

When I seek His face I find everything that I have longed for. The deepest desires of my heart are for closeness with Him. He designed you and I that way. I need to answer the tugs within me to fix my eyes on him.  This longing is really a kind of homesickness: a yearning for my true home in heaven.

I am so thankful for what God has achieved on my behalf this year….

The anxiety battles he’s helped me fight and overcome,

The confidence he has infused into me as I’ve learned about who I am in Him,

The supernatural calmness that he’s covered me with when I’ve called out to him in desperation

There’s more work to be done, and I know I will always be prone to anxiety, but God has carried me this far and He will not let me drown in the murky waters of fear. All I need to do is ask for His help. I’m excited about what God has planned for me and the way he is changing me from the inside out...

My life, and yours, is in His capable and mighty hands xx