Rambling Thoughts

WOW it's been ages! 

Where have I been?

 I don't know!

Life just happens sometimes and engulfs you rather unexpectedly. I suspect that's what happened here... a lot has happened. But, I've still been pondering life, as I tend to do. So much time has passed since my last post and there's so many things I want to say (as always), and I think I'm probably going to just start and let it lead to wherever it's going to go...

What floats into my head first is this quote a while back and it has stayed with me since.

“The older I get, the more I understand that it’s okay to live a life others don’t understand.”

Truer every day of my life. Some people don't understand why I choose God. They don't understand the choices I make – the ones I make that will bring me closer to Him, rather than take me further away. Sometimes people don't understand why I consistently sacrifice certain things. They tell me I’m missing out.

The truth is, God has become my greatest love and desire. Over the last year, my ‘taste buds’ have changed. The music I listen to, the TV shows I watch, the books I read, my desires, what I crave. I pray a lot more. My goals and ambitions have been transformed. My perspective and attitude are changing all the time. I look back at my life and I see changed habits. I see changed interests. I see dark things that have stayed in the past, things that I have put to bed. Things that had such a hold of me that I felt helpless in trying to loosen their grip. Things I thought I’d never be free of.

I had to hit rock bottom before I finally had my awakening. During my time of depression and heightened anxiety, I wondered why God would let me suffer so much. But, when I started being really honest with myself, I realized that’s what it took. Did I ever ‘wake up’ before then? No. I didn’t. It did draw me much, much closer to Him. It gave me more opportunities to seek Him. He gave us free will. He is a good God. He gave us the choice to love Him and seek Him out, and with that choice comes the risk of rejection. He won’t make us choose Him. He won’t make us love him. That is not real love.

Good can come from suffering. Even the worst of it. Suffering can bring you closer to God – and that is the best thing that could ever happen. I read a book called The Case for Faith (Lee Strobel). He made a lot of good points about suffering and I’m probably going to come back to that in the next couple of posts because it was just so good and gave me answers to things I had always wondered about God. It’s a great book and I highly recommend it! Especially if you’re curious about God but have a lot of questions. Lee Strobel’s previous book, The Case for Christ (which is also pretty amazing), follows his journey to his belief in God. He is a journalist and used to be very skeptical of Christianity, but after a lot of research (actually, in order to disprove the claims of Jesus), he found so much evidence for Jesus being who he said he was, and it completely changed his mind. And his heart.

I want to tell you about some of what he said about suffering.

“Sometimes when bad things happen, it looks like God is bad. But, don’t we as parents let bad things happen to our children? Do we bail them out of every problem they face? No. We don’t do their homework for them. We don’t put bubblewrap around them. God is wise enough to see that we need some pain for reasons which we may not understand but he foresees it as being necessary to some eventual good. So, he’s not being evil by allowing that pain to exist.”

“We know that moral character gets formed through hardship and overcoming obstacles, through enduring despite difficulties. Courage would be impossible in a world without pain. We learn from the mistakes we make and the suffering they bring. The universe is a soul-making machine.”

So, you see, the point of our lives isn’t comfort, but preparation for eternity. If there was an easy way out of every bad situation, we’d become…well, spoilt little brats, probably! If I handed my children everything they need on a silver platter every single time, I wouldn’t be doing them any favours – even though I love them to the moon and back. When I really think about it, and I mean really, a world without suffering seems a bit more like hell than heaven to me.

“Try to create utopia in your mind. But you have to think through the consequences of everything you try to improve. Every time you use force to prevent evil, you take away freedom. To prevent all evil you have to remove all freedom and reduce people to puppets, who can no longer choose anything - including to love.”

What would be the point?

The things I’ve been through have shaped and moulded me, rather painfully at times, but I’ve learned from them and I’m more confident now because of them. After all, who can say they are courageous if they’ve never been tempted to bail out? Who can say they are patient if they’ve never been made to wait? God was giving me opportunities to learn some important lessons, but more importantly, to seek His face amidst all the chaos. And until I did that, life was unbearably hard. Until I really chose God and clung to him for dear life, I felt alone and hopeless. By not choosing God every day, I chose other things. I let other things into my mind and heart almost without realizing it. Almost, but not quite. It was like looking at my overgrown garden. Weeds were cropping up everywhere, growing taller and taller and things needed trimming back, but I kept putting my time and energy into other things, thinking some day I’ll sort it out. Let me tell you - you don’t have to do anything special to turn your garden into a mess. All you have to do is……….absolutely nothing, and things will get out of control.

Every day I’m learning to continually come to Him. To bear my soul to him. Sometimes it’s with confidence, sometimes it’s when I really don’t feel like I have it all together. Sometimes I come to Him in shame. But, He meets me right where I am and He gives me what I need. Sometimes it’s the reminder that He is full of mercy and grace. Sometimes it’s a practical answer to prayer. Sometimes it’s a whisper of wisdom that mysteriously pops into my head. Sometimes it is simply reassurance of His love and a pinch of extra courage to see me through a difficult situation.

Yes, difficult times hurt. It can hurt a lot. Maybe you’re in a situation where you know your circumstances are unlikely to improve. I believe that peace can still be found among the mundane things, the stressful things – even heartache. I still struggle with anxious thoughts. Just tonight, I was alone at home with the girls, had them tucked in and went to have a nice hot shower. But about one minute into it, I found myself gripped with the possibility that someone could get into my house and take my kids and I wouldn’t hear it because I’m in the shower. I even got out and poked my head down the hallway to make sure everything was fine. Ridiculous? Yes, I know it is. I drive myself crazy sometimes with my thoughts that spiral out of control. But, I decided to pray about it when I got back in the shower, a simple prayer asking Jesus for His peace. He delivered in that very moment and all the worries simply melted away. It sounds too easy to be true - but that's just how it happened! He is a soothing balm for my anxious soul. Jesus really takes care of me. I’m learning to turn to Him for help, even in what seems like the silliest things. He surrounds me with his love and peace and I know He hears me.

Some rambling thoughts tonight, but it’s a blog, right? I think I can get away with it…

If you struggle with finding peace or calming your thoughts, God can help. He is more than able. He can be your refuge and strength, like He is mine. He is my ever-present help in times of trouble. If you ever want to know more, please do send me a message. I’d be more than happy to chat with you.

Guys, you can trust Him with your whole life xx