Ready.
Nearly 37 weeks and I am physically ready to have this baby.
Up until a couple of days ago, his room was a big, big mess. We had Miss B's 5'th birthday parties (yes, plural!) a couple of weekends ago and, while at the time, shoving everything into the nursery seemed like a good idea and fast way to de-clutter the lounge, I really, really, regretted it. Sigh. What a job that was!
I finally feel mentally and emotionally ready for this baby to arrive. It's kind of exciting! It's possible that my physical discomfort and awful sleep might be egging me on... but I think I'm ready. It feels like a bold statement. But there it is. I've said it!
I'm ready.
At the same time, I'm trying to remind myself that no one can ever be fully prepared for a baby they haven't met yet. I don't know what he's going to be like. Is he going to be a good sleeper? A good feeder? A happy baby? Is he going to have reflux like my last one? There is no way of knowing any of these things beforehand. Why am I stressing about things that are out of my control? I don't need to be in control. What I need is to trust God. He will not give me more than I can handle. And if I do get another tricky baby, that's okay. He is not expecting me to do it on my own. He wants to give me the strength, patience, peace, and joy that I need to get through each day. He is the God of the universe. He doesn't get overwhelmed. I may not be in control, but He is. And that is so incredibly comforting to me.
Just because the past didn't turn out how you wanted it to, doesn't mean your future can't be better than you've ever imagined. There is a time for new beginnings. The past is exactly that - the past. I cannot change it. The next few chapters of my life are still to be written. They are blank pages right now, ready to be filled with words that will be uplifting and encouraging. Difficult times - sure. Even easy babies are hard work for the first few weeks. They may be blank pages to me, but God has already written my story and he knows about every joy, smile, thought, and emotion that will pass through me. Maybe a lot of tiredness. Maybe a bit of overwhelm. Probably some tears (I get really emotional with lack of sleep). But, I'm not the only character in this book. Jesus has been and will be walking beside me, ready to carry me through any trials I might face. There will be hard times in this world, but Jesus has overcome the world. Every time I feel the powerful waves of fear wash over me, I will remember that I have my anchor and that even if I get swept under for a minute, I won't be washed away. Jesus will be there, holding his hand out to me. All I need to do is take hold of it. The waves are powerful but so is Jesus. He remains undefeated and he has already won.
Post-natal depression changes everything. It even changes your personality. I was just a shell of the person that I was before. I had no energy. Everything was too much for me. I felt alone and I felt hopeless. But, I was good at putting on a smile when people came to visit. After the second round of PND with my youngest daughter, I continued to pretend that everything was fine. My husband, of course, knew that something was wrong. Again. For a while, I put on my happy face for people. But it was exhausting, and I just knew there was no point in not being honest. Sure, I didn't tell my life story to every man and his dog, but slowly, I began to open up and when some people asked how I was doing, instead of saying, "fine", I started saying, "Actually, it's been really, really hard..." and the relief was just instant. It felt good to get it off my chest and just say it like it is. Every time I heard myself say it out loud, a bit more of the load fell off my shoulders. Why did I think I had to go it alone all this time? I guess I felt that I was the only one and that no one would understand. And perhaps if I admitted I didn't have it all together, people would think I was a failure of a mum.
Whatever the reason I had held back, just being honest about my experience made it matter less and less. It was therapeutic. And the great thing about people becoming aware of my struggle was that they checked up on me. That made me feel less alone and made me realize that people do care. If they don't know you're struggling, they can't help you. Sure, there was the occasional person who didn't really respond and a couple that even fully ignored what I said. Perhaps it made them uncomfortable. I don't know. Yes, it hurt, sharing something so personal, only to have a response like that. But, most people were really supportive. Honesty has been the best policy. The more I talked about it, the more I realized that some other mums I knew had also been through it. I wasn't the failure I thought I was. I was just a mum, struggling to deal with her overwhelming emotions. I was just a human being, needing help. We all need help sometimes.
Don't ever feel like you shouldn't share with people what you're going through. PND and anxiety is everywhere. Once you start talking, you will realize - like I did. Tell them that you're not okay. Let those who love you support you. Seek Jesus' face. He promises that he will never turn away anyone who earnestly seeks him. He loves you.
Take care of yourselves and most importantly, take care of those around you. Be that person that someone can talk to and lean on xx
Up until a couple of days ago, his room was a big, big mess. We had Miss B's 5'th birthday parties (yes, plural!) a couple of weekends ago and, while at the time, shoving everything into the nursery seemed like a good idea and fast way to de-clutter the lounge, I really, really, regretted it. Sigh. What a job that was!
I finally feel mentally and emotionally ready for this baby to arrive. It's kind of exciting! It's possible that my physical discomfort and awful sleep might be egging me on... but I think I'm ready. It feels like a bold statement. But there it is. I've said it!
I'm ready.
At the same time, I'm trying to remind myself that no one can ever be fully prepared for a baby they haven't met yet. I don't know what he's going to be like. Is he going to be a good sleeper? A good feeder? A happy baby? Is he going to have reflux like my last one? There is no way of knowing any of these things beforehand. Why am I stressing about things that are out of my control? I don't need to be in control. What I need is to trust God. He will not give me more than I can handle. And if I do get another tricky baby, that's okay. He is not expecting me to do it on my own. He wants to give me the strength, patience, peace, and joy that I need to get through each day. He is the God of the universe. He doesn't get overwhelmed. I may not be in control, but He is. And that is so incredibly comforting to me.
Just because the past didn't turn out how you wanted it to, doesn't mean your future can't be better than you've ever imagined. There is a time for new beginnings. The past is exactly that - the past. I cannot change it. The next few chapters of my life are still to be written. They are blank pages right now, ready to be filled with words that will be uplifting and encouraging. Difficult times - sure. Even easy babies are hard work for the first few weeks. They may be blank pages to me, but God has already written my story and he knows about every joy, smile, thought, and emotion that will pass through me. Maybe a lot of tiredness. Maybe a bit of overwhelm. Probably some tears (I get really emotional with lack of sleep). But, I'm not the only character in this book. Jesus has been and will be walking beside me, ready to carry me through any trials I might face. There will be hard times in this world, but Jesus has overcome the world. Every time I feel the powerful waves of fear wash over me, I will remember that I have my anchor and that even if I get swept under for a minute, I won't be washed away. Jesus will be there, holding his hand out to me. All I need to do is take hold of it. The waves are powerful but so is Jesus. He remains undefeated and he has already won.
Post-natal depression changes everything. It even changes your personality. I was just a shell of the person that I was before. I had no energy. Everything was too much for me. I felt alone and I felt hopeless. But, I was good at putting on a smile when people came to visit. After the second round of PND with my youngest daughter, I continued to pretend that everything was fine. My husband, of course, knew that something was wrong. Again. For a while, I put on my happy face for people. But it was exhausting, and I just knew there was no point in not being honest. Sure, I didn't tell my life story to every man and his dog, but slowly, I began to open up and when some people asked how I was doing, instead of saying, "fine", I started saying, "Actually, it's been really, really hard..." and the relief was just instant. It felt good to get it off my chest and just say it like it is. Every time I heard myself say it out loud, a bit more of the load fell off my shoulders. Why did I think I had to go it alone all this time? I guess I felt that I was the only one and that no one would understand. And perhaps if I admitted I didn't have it all together, people would think I was a failure of a mum.
Whatever the reason I had held back, just being honest about my experience made it matter less and less. It was therapeutic. And the great thing about people becoming aware of my struggle was that they checked up on me. That made me feel less alone and made me realize that people do care. If they don't know you're struggling, they can't help you. Sure, there was the occasional person who didn't really respond and a couple that even fully ignored what I said. Perhaps it made them uncomfortable. I don't know. Yes, it hurt, sharing something so personal, only to have a response like that. But, most people were really supportive. Honesty has been the best policy. The more I talked about it, the more I realized that some other mums I knew had also been through it. I wasn't the failure I thought I was. I was just a mum, struggling to deal with her overwhelming emotions. I was just a human being, needing help. We all need help sometimes.
Don't ever feel like you shouldn't share with people what you're going through. PND and anxiety is everywhere. Once you start talking, you will realize - like I did. Tell them that you're not okay. Let those who love you support you. Seek Jesus' face. He promises that he will never turn away anyone who earnestly seeks him. He loves you.
Take care of yourselves and most importantly, take care of those around you. Be that person that someone can talk to and lean on xx
Mariet! I love this post. So so encouraging. Thanks for sharing. Its so true, the devil is always going to try to lie to us about who we are. But Jesus knows better, he made u , loved us and is there ready to carry us when we ask. You are a wonderful person. Look forward to journeying with you from a distance as you welcome a son xx
ReplyDelete(P.s. Lydia... I don't think you can see my name)
DeleteThanks, Lydia! Nearly time to welcome this boy... Love doing this mothering thing with you - even at a distance these days! You are such a treasure of a friend x
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