Life Lately
Hello!
So, I am really struggling to find time for writing blog posts since my 2 year old decided she no longer needs naps (gulp!). I'm getting used to it. But not a lot of time for anything that's not kid-related! At least she's cute, right? I find it helps. I don't really have time to fine-tune, but I've decided to not be so fussy and just say what's on my mind. I mean, I've been trying to finish this post for weeks!
Lately I've been practicing shrugging off my anxiety, trying to prepare myself for baby no. 3.
Trying to PND-proof myself, if you will.
And believe me there has been a lot of opportunity! I feel that oh-so-familiar sense of dread creeping into my head and down into my stomach every time I hear my 2 year old daughter start making noise in the night. She still hasn't mastered the art of sleeping through, and likes to keep us all awake for 2-3 hours at a time on a rather regular basis, crying on and off. We go through good phases and bad phases. Every time I think, she's been quiet for a few minutes, she must be asleep now, she pipes up again. And at the same time drops a heavy stone into my stomach. It's like being on a roller coaster ride. Maybe that's why I've never liked the kind of rides that make you 'lose' your stomach. I hate that feeling. I'm starting to understand why. That's what anxiety feels like to me.
Through trying to practice calming myself in stressful situations, I've realized just how often I get this feeling. It's a lot. A lot more than I thought. Lately, when I find myself stressing over little things, I've been much more aware of it. I still feel like I haven't quite got control over it. I know it's irrational sometimes. Ok, a lot of the time. It feels like finding yourself caught in a rip, and even though you think you might be able to swim out of it eventually, it's just that little bit too strong.
But, believe it or not - that is progress for me.
I don't feel like I'm drowning anymore.
Am I there yet?
Nope. But it feels like I'm moving in the right direction, and anxiety is not something that you get rid of overnight. And probably I will always be prone to it, but I'm learning to handle it better. To not let it rule over me like a merciless and cruel king. Am I in charge of myself? To some extent. But I don't think I need to be in full control of myself. I don't believe I can be in full control of myself. God is in control. And I am okay with that.Whatever I'm anxious about, God sees the bigger picture and he holds me in the palm of his hand. Jesus has already overcome the world. I may lose some battles with anxiety, but Jesus has already won the war on my behalf.
I can't pull off the big loads on my own. It's hard to let go of them sometimes. Sometimes, I just don't know how. It's hard to hand them over. I know I carry things that God never asked me to carry. They make me scared. But I know that God is asking me all the time to let him carry it for me. Nothing is too big for him to handle. My crazy, busy mind is not too much for him. It's not the complex puzzle that it is to me. I'm no mystery to him. He knows and understands me fully and completely. He promises to pave my way, if I will just stay close to him and let him lead me out of stuck places and cover me in his care. He fills me with peace, with joy, no matter what the struggle has been. When I take my eyes off him, I feel overwhelmed and scared. When I fix them on Jesus again, I feel relief and comfort. I need to keep making the choice to look up and shrug off the weights that are pulling me down. He is the burden lifter. I've seen it so many times, in my own life and the lives of others.
I need to pray more. I need to talk to myself more. When both my kids are crying and trying to climb on me at the same time and I'm thinking, "How on earth am I supposed to handle another one of these?!", I need to ask God for peace. I need to tell myself that it's fine, that it's just a few moments of chaos. It will pass soon. I need to stop trying to control the waves and spend my energy on learning to surf instead. I need strategies. Lord, give me strategies.
In the meantime, I need to practice, practice, practice the strategies I do have. Those strategies need to become second-nature. I can't bottle it all up and then 'try it out' when I'm in the thick of it - with a newborn, rather busy toddler, and a 5 year old. That's not the time for it. I need to know what's going to work. There are going to be a lot of trials and errors in general. It's a baby, after all! There are no manuals for those (how good would that be though, right??). But what I'm going to use for my anxiety once baby comes should be tried and true.
Some of My Go-To Things
- praying
- reading my Bible
- exercise
- getting at least 5 minutes to myself to just breathe
- ask myself -'Is this going to matter tomorrow?'
- try imagining positive outcomes instead of negative ones
- relax my jaw
- take a bath
- listen to worship music
- getting fresh air
- thinking about what I'm thankful for
- spending time with a friend
- reading a book
- focusing on one day at a time
- taking a look at the clock when things are turning to custard and give myself 20 minutes. Usually, whatever is going on will have passed by then. It's true!
- A very useful strategy my counselor taught me was to mentally file the most stressful thoughts away and plan a specific time to think about it later. When that time comes, it doesn't usually feel like that big a deal anymore, and you haven't sacrificed so much sleep over it. It really works for me. You've got to stick to it though and 'turn up' to that appointment, or after a while you'll keep stressing because you know you can't trust yourself to actually sort it out later.
New Beginnings
On another note, a couple of months back, we found out we're having a boy! We never found out with our girls, so this was a new experience - and a new outcome! I feel like it's very fitting. I didn't have any preference at all. Another girl? Great - we have 2 and they are awesome. A boy? A new adventure. I didn't realize at the time, but I think I really needed a fresh start. I needed something to be different this time. A new, exciting chapter of my life. An unknown one, to be sure - as many people have told me. I'm sure they mean well. But if they really understood my struggles, they'd know it's not helpful to me. I try not to let it into my head too much and just be positive. But wow, am I excited! I can't even quite explain it, but it's a kind of healing in itself. It's reminded me that yes, things can be different this time. It's not a promise. But, it is hope. And that is so crucial. It is so important for my mindset. Incredibly so.
God has been good to me. He has given me this precious little life inside me. Whatever happens, he is a blessing to me, and this little guy and I will ride this out together, with God's help. God's love is incredible and powerful. There's nothing else like it. He's got my back.
If anyone would like some prayer, please let me know. I'm always happy to have a chat to God on your behalf or just be a listening ear. Whatever you need.
Into the 3rd trimester as of today - wish me luck!
xx
So, I am really struggling to find time for writing blog posts since my 2 year old decided she no longer needs naps (gulp!). I'm getting used to it. But not a lot of time for anything that's not kid-related! At least she's cute, right? I find it helps. I don't really have time to fine-tune, but I've decided to not be so fussy and just say what's on my mind. I mean, I've been trying to finish this post for weeks!
Lately I've been practicing shrugging off my anxiety, trying to prepare myself for baby no. 3.
Trying to PND-proof myself, if you will.
And believe me there has been a lot of opportunity! I feel that oh-so-familiar sense of dread creeping into my head and down into my stomach every time I hear my 2 year old daughter start making noise in the night. She still hasn't mastered the art of sleeping through, and likes to keep us all awake for 2-3 hours at a time on a rather regular basis, crying on and off. We go through good phases and bad phases. Every time I think, she's been quiet for a few minutes, she must be asleep now, she pipes up again. And at the same time drops a heavy stone into my stomach. It's like being on a roller coaster ride. Maybe that's why I've never liked the kind of rides that make you 'lose' your stomach. I hate that feeling. I'm starting to understand why. That's what anxiety feels like to me.
Through trying to practice calming myself in stressful situations, I've realized just how often I get this feeling. It's a lot. A lot more than I thought. Lately, when I find myself stressing over little things, I've been much more aware of it. I still feel like I haven't quite got control over it. I know it's irrational sometimes. Ok, a lot of the time. It feels like finding yourself caught in a rip, and even though you think you might be able to swim out of it eventually, it's just that little bit too strong.
But, believe it or not - that is progress for me.
I don't feel like I'm drowning anymore.
Am I there yet?
Nope. But it feels like I'm moving in the right direction, and anxiety is not something that you get rid of overnight. And probably I will always be prone to it, but I'm learning to handle it better. To not let it rule over me like a merciless and cruel king. Am I in charge of myself? To some extent. But I don't think I need to be in full control of myself. I don't believe I can be in full control of myself. God is in control. And I am okay with that.Whatever I'm anxious about, God sees the bigger picture and he holds me in the palm of his hand. Jesus has already overcome the world. I may lose some battles with anxiety, but Jesus has already won the war on my behalf.
I can't pull off the big loads on my own. It's hard to let go of them sometimes. Sometimes, I just don't know how. It's hard to hand them over. I know I carry things that God never asked me to carry. They make me scared. But I know that God is asking me all the time to let him carry it for me. Nothing is too big for him to handle. My crazy, busy mind is not too much for him. It's not the complex puzzle that it is to me. I'm no mystery to him. He knows and understands me fully and completely. He promises to pave my way, if I will just stay close to him and let him lead me out of stuck places and cover me in his care. He fills me with peace, with joy, no matter what the struggle has been. When I take my eyes off him, I feel overwhelmed and scared. When I fix them on Jesus again, I feel relief and comfort. I need to keep making the choice to look up and shrug off the weights that are pulling me down. He is the burden lifter. I've seen it so many times, in my own life and the lives of others.
I need to pray more. I need to talk to myself more. When both my kids are crying and trying to climb on me at the same time and I'm thinking, "How on earth am I supposed to handle another one of these?!", I need to ask God for peace. I need to tell myself that it's fine, that it's just a few moments of chaos. It will pass soon. I need to stop trying to control the waves and spend my energy on learning to surf instead. I need strategies. Lord, give me strategies.
In the meantime, I need to practice, practice, practice the strategies I do have. Those strategies need to become second-nature. I can't bottle it all up and then 'try it out' when I'm in the thick of it - with a newborn, rather busy toddler, and a 5 year old. That's not the time for it. I need to know what's going to work. There are going to be a lot of trials and errors in general. It's a baby, after all! There are no manuals for those (how good would that be though, right??). But what I'm going to use for my anxiety once baby comes should be tried and true.
Some of My Go-To Things
- praying
- reading my Bible
- exercise
- getting at least 5 minutes to myself to just breathe
- ask myself -'Is this going to matter tomorrow?'
- try imagining positive outcomes instead of negative ones
- relax my jaw
- take a bath
- listen to worship music
- getting fresh air
- thinking about what I'm thankful for
- spending time with a friend
- reading a book
- focusing on one day at a time
- taking a look at the clock when things are turning to custard and give myself 20 minutes. Usually, whatever is going on will have passed by then. It's true!
- A very useful strategy my counselor taught me was to mentally file the most stressful thoughts away and plan a specific time to think about it later. When that time comes, it doesn't usually feel like that big a deal anymore, and you haven't sacrificed so much sleep over it. It really works for me. You've got to stick to it though and 'turn up' to that appointment, or after a while you'll keep stressing because you know you can't trust yourself to actually sort it out later.
New Beginnings
On another note, a couple of months back, we found out we're having a boy! We never found out with our girls, so this was a new experience - and a new outcome! I feel like it's very fitting. I didn't have any preference at all. Another girl? Great - we have 2 and they are awesome. A boy? A new adventure. I didn't realize at the time, but I think I really needed a fresh start. I needed something to be different this time. A new, exciting chapter of my life. An unknown one, to be sure - as many people have told me. I'm sure they mean well. But if they really understood my struggles, they'd know it's not helpful to me. I try not to let it into my head too much and just be positive. But wow, am I excited! I can't even quite explain it, but it's a kind of healing in itself. It's reminded me that yes, things can be different this time. It's not a promise. But, it is hope. And that is so crucial. It is so important for my mindset. Incredibly so.
God has been good to me. He has given me this precious little life inside me. Whatever happens, he is a blessing to me, and this little guy and I will ride this out together, with God's help. God's love is incredible and powerful. There's nothing else like it. He's got my back.
If anyone would like some prayer, please let me know. I'm always happy to have a chat to God on your behalf or just be a listening ear. Whatever you need.
Into the 3rd trimester as of today - wish me luck!
xx
Beautiful!!! This little guy will be a wonderful adventure for you :-)
ReplyDeleteI reckon so! I can't wait to meet him!
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