My Lifelong Struggle
Well, hello there!
How kind of you to stop by. No, really, because I don't know what on earth I'm doing.
I'm a newbie! The truth is, I'm taking a leap of faith and telling you a bit about me - eeek!
It has taken me a lot of courage to do this. A lot of 'Should I? Shouldn't I?'
I guess in the long run I'd like to post about all sorts of stuff, but at the moment I have certain things on my mind because of what I've been dealing with. I hope in the next while that I might be able to help anyone that is going through the struggles I've been through, by sharing a bit of my story with you and how I'm working through my battle....
Anxiety.
Even the word puts a lump in my stomach. I was always a very shy and timid child. Looking back, especially after the last 3-4 years, I realize that anxiety was something I was at war with right from the very start. I just couldn't cope with pressure. I failed my English assessment at primary school because, while I could manage it perfectly without being watched and listened to, I flat out refused to speak English to my teacher. I wasn't a naughty kid. I was just paralyzed with fear.
We moved to New Zealand. I was 10 and excited about going to a new country. I hadn't really thought too far ahead. I started at a school and had never felt more out of place. English was not my first language! I had no choice but to try to communicate with the teachers and kids using English. I couldn't follow the kids' conversations that well. I sort of had a friend but she didn't always have the patience for me. Kids picked on me and when they got in trouble for things they blamed it on me. They knew I wouldn't defend myself - and I didn't. I didn't even know how. I'd stand there, face down, taking the telling off while knots twisted and grew in my stomach. My hands got sweaty and I'd start shaking. I'd cry.
The next year or two was a blur as we changed schools a couple of times. My parents couldn't find work in the same city so we lived apart for a while and every weekend made the 3 or 4 hour drive so we could all be together. Eventually it all worked out. I changed schools another time or two. At last, I went to a small, private Christian school for my intermediate and high school years and things were good, aside from the dramas that I think no teenager has ever managed to escape! Then I had to change schools for my very last year of school! Year 13.
The Worst Year of my Life
In year 13 I started going to an all girls school. I found out, the hard way, that it isn't easy to get into social circles that were established years ago and that at that late stage there were not many at all that could be bothered with me. It didn't help that I still had't managed to shake off my shy nature. From time to time I'd chat with someone at school and eventually made one friend, but she left partway through the year. Friendships from my old school faded.... On top of that, my relationship came to a messy end. That was another one of my closest friends, vanished into thin air.
Everybody just seemed to disappear. I had never felt so alone in all my life. I started having a lot of trouble sleeping. Some mornings I got up, without having slept at all, and went to school. Sometimes I cried and begged my parents to let me stay home. They didn't, of course, and I couldn't really blame them. They didn't really know what was happening, and I just couldn't explain. I didn't even know how to explain it to myself. I sat alone at lunch time - every day. Then I wandered around the school aimlessly, wishing I could make time go faster. Every day. Every day, for a whole year. And every minute felt like an hour.
Partway through the year I met a boy. He was friendly and wanted to hang out. Then he wanted to be more than friends. I honestly didn't really feel that way about him, and my head was not in a good space for that kind of thing, but I didn't want to lose any more friends. I made excuses for his behaviour because I was scared of losing what seemed like my only close friend. He was smart and manipulative. He realized that I really had no one and how desperate I must be for company. He made a mess of my life. He said if I won't go out with him he will walk out in front of a car and kill himself. I didn't know if he would or not. I didn't want to find out the hard way and he seemed really serious. I cried and cried. Why was this happening to me? I wanted out and yet, how could I ever get out of this living nightmare? I eventually said I would go out with him. I continued to struggle with insomnia and the storm growing in my head. I fought back tears at school. I struggled with my schoolwork. My hands shook. My heart raced. I felt nauseous and ill. I was tired. I was so, so tired. Eventually, I snapped. I could take no more. I told him in no uncertain terms to get out of my life. For once, he listened. I felt like a massive weight was lifted off me. I was free! But...I still had to deal with the mess he had made. The relationships he had destroyed. But as time went on, it was just easier to try and forget. I still struggled. The year ended and I was RELIEVED.
More Moving...
Now, to move to Auckland for my 3 year degree! Ugh. But thankfully I was introduced to some nice people my age from a church there and they were like family for a long time. Then I met Trouble #2. No, that is not his real name. And to make a long story short - that first year of university was awful. The course was good. But, I had picked the wrong guy. Why couldn't I get it right? Looking back, I see it now for what it was - an emotionally abusive relationship. If I thought my previous experience was bad, this was worse. So much worse.
I won't go into it too much, but what came out of it was a very broken me. My self-esteem, the little bit that was left, was shattered. Shattered into a million pieces. My confidence was finally all gone. The year was spent on breaking me to a point where I really believed I couldn't do any better and that if I left him no one else would ever love me. I believed that I wasn't enough, I believed I must have not been enough if I wasn't the only girl. I thought I was worthless. I didn't realize that baggage would stay with me for many years to come.
My Dream
Partway through my degree, I met my wonderful husband and we got married. As life goes, there were still a couple of other big obstacles (and I can't talk about them at this stage) but this time I prayed a lot through it. I did what I could and asked God to do what I could not. I saw God answering my prayers beyond what I could have hoped for! It was incredible, the things that could happen when I believed in His strength and awesome power. I'm so thankful that God gave me a husband of such strong faith. He knew what I needed.
I became pregnant! I had always wanted to be a mother and my dream was coming true! Things were great, but as I was approaching the end of my pregnancy I was really getting fearful about labour and birth. I definitely didn't feel ready and had no peace about it. I read a hypno-birthing book and practiced relaxation techniques. I was starting to feel OK about it but when it came to it - I was a mess. An utter mess. It was traumatic and I didn't bond with my baby. I had postnatal depression. I lost my appetite completely. My stomach growled in protest but I just didn't want to eat anything at all. I couldn't sleep at all between feeds, the feeding wasn't going well, I cried all the time, and just didn't have much interest in my baby that I had wanted for as long as I could remember. Eventually, with a few nudges (well, more like shoves) from those who could see the wheels falling off the bus while I sat there in denial, I talked to my GP about it and went onto medication for a few months. Everything was fine again!
Then we were having another baby - a little sibling for our big girl, and I was absolutely determined to have my act together this time. I was not going to be robbed of those precious newborn days again! Another little girl, and she came fast. I had no pain relief but it was a much better experience. I was thrilled with how it went. Our little girl had trouble breathing though and one of her lungs hadn't expanded properly, so it was back to hospital via ambulance. She stayed in the newborn intensive care unit for a couple of days. It was stressful, but I was actually ok. After a few days at home, we started struggling with her quite a bit. She kept vomiting everything up, screaming for hours on end and not sleeping. Back to hospital again.
I had been proud of holding it together so far, but now things started unraveling in my head. After several horrible tests, we were sent home with a diagnosis of reflux. Nothing they gave us worked. After several weeks, I just couldn't deal with it and bawled my eyes out at the doctor's office. It was super awkward for me (probably him too) because I just don't do that in front of people. I have a pretty good poker face. Finally, he gave us the good stuff for our baby and things started improving.
He also put me on medication again for post natal depression. Round #2. It felt like such a personal failure. Here we go again. But it was worse this time, so much worse. My anxiety shot through the roof. My thoughts spiraled out of control. It felt like there was a hippo sitting on my chest and my stomach churned. I could not sleep at all and the baby was such hard work, with the re-flux. My jaw felt like it was permanently clenched. I remember just sitting on the couch doing nothing and I'd be a ball of nerves. It was like nerve endings were exposed all over my body and I was in sensory overload. My heart was beating so fast. It was so overwhelming. I felt completely overwhelmed and overpowered by my anxiety. I just couldn't even THINK properly. Eventually the medication started working, only a little bit, but I still felt so low and got no enjoyment from anything. I felt numb and dead inside. Every day was a drag. I felt more and more hopeless and helpless as I realized this thing was just so much bigger than me. I was in over my head and I knew I could not get myself out. After several months of feeling this way, my doctor decided to change my medication and I finally got called for my first counseling appointment. I felt quite weird about the counseling. I never thought I'd find myself in this place, talking to a complete stranger about the most personal stuff in my life.
Out of the Fog
I was about to find out how life changing it could be. My counselor started asking me about school. I didn't really see how relevant that could possibly be, as I was 29 by this stage! But through my counseling she showed me how I had been bottling up my traumatic experiences, going right back to school days, and never really processed any of it. I had been living in fear for years without even realizing it. I had been so afraid of making mistakes, always second-guessing myself and living with the glass half empty. I believed what others said about me, what my feelings and my mind said - more than what God's Word said about me. Fear is a thief. It robbed me of so many years, holding me captive in negativity and self-doubt. I found myself wanting to thrive. Surviving was not good enough for me anymore! I wish I had leaned on God from the very start, but I'm so incredibly thankful that He was watching over me.
My little girl turned one recently and I'm finding myself lifting out of the fog. I'd really like to share with you, sometime soon, the rest of my journey - of faith, hope, and how I'm learning to take care of myself.
But for now, I think I've given you quite enough to read! I really believe that knowing more about a person's background helps you understand where they're coming from. And understanding people is so important, you guys. You might know someone your whole life but never know about some of their deepest struggles, unless they decide to tell you.
Stay tuned, and remember to be kind to yourself xx
How kind of you to stop by. No, really, because I don't know what on earth I'm doing.
I'm a newbie! The truth is, I'm taking a leap of faith and telling you a bit about me - eeek!
It has taken me a lot of courage to do this. A lot of 'Should I? Shouldn't I?'
I guess in the long run I'd like to post about all sorts of stuff, but at the moment I have certain things on my mind because of what I've been dealing with. I hope in the next while that I might be able to help anyone that is going through the struggles I've been through, by sharing a bit of my story with you and how I'm working through my battle....
Anxiety.
Even the word puts a lump in my stomach. I was always a very shy and timid child. Looking back, especially after the last 3-4 years, I realize that anxiety was something I was at war with right from the very start. I just couldn't cope with pressure. I failed my English assessment at primary school because, while I could manage it perfectly without being watched and listened to, I flat out refused to speak English to my teacher. I wasn't a naughty kid. I was just paralyzed with fear.
We moved to New Zealand. I was 10 and excited about going to a new country. I hadn't really thought too far ahead. I started at a school and had never felt more out of place. English was not my first language! I had no choice but to try to communicate with the teachers and kids using English. I couldn't follow the kids' conversations that well. I sort of had a friend but she didn't always have the patience for me. Kids picked on me and when they got in trouble for things they blamed it on me. They knew I wouldn't defend myself - and I didn't. I didn't even know how. I'd stand there, face down, taking the telling off while knots twisted and grew in my stomach. My hands got sweaty and I'd start shaking. I'd cry.
The next year or two was a blur as we changed schools a couple of times. My parents couldn't find work in the same city so we lived apart for a while and every weekend made the 3 or 4 hour drive so we could all be together. Eventually it all worked out. I changed schools another time or two. At last, I went to a small, private Christian school for my intermediate and high school years and things were good, aside from the dramas that I think no teenager has ever managed to escape! Then I had to change schools for my very last year of school! Year 13.
The Worst Year of my Life
In year 13 I started going to an all girls school. I found out, the hard way, that it isn't easy to get into social circles that were established years ago and that at that late stage there were not many at all that could be bothered with me. It didn't help that I still had't managed to shake off my shy nature. From time to time I'd chat with someone at school and eventually made one friend, but she left partway through the year. Friendships from my old school faded.... On top of that, my relationship came to a messy end. That was another one of my closest friends, vanished into thin air.
Everybody just seemed to disappear. I had never felt so alone in all my life. I started having a lot of trouble sleeping. Some mornings I got up, without having slept at all, and went to school. Sometimes I cried and begged my parents to let me stay home. They didn't, of course, and I couldn't really blame them. They didn't really know what was happening, and I just couldn't explain. I didn't even know how to explain it to myself. I sat alone at lunch time - every day. Then I wandered around the school aimlessly, wishing I could make time go faster. Every day. Every day, for a whole year. And every minute felt like an hour.
Partway through the year I met a boy. He was friendly and wanted to hang out. Then he wanted to be more than friends. I honestly didn't really feel that way about him, and my head was not in a good space for that kind of thing, but I didn't want to lose any more friends. I made excuses for his behaviour because I was scared of losing what seemed like my only close friend. He was smart and manipulative. He realized that I really had no one and how desperate I must be for company. He made a mess of my life. He said if I won't go out with him he will walk out in front of a car and kill himself. I didn't know if he would or not. I didn't want to find out the hard way and he seemed really serious. I cried and cried. Why was this happening to me? I wanted out and yet, how could I ever get out of this living nightmare? I eventually said I would go out with him. I continued to struggle with insomnia and the storm growing in my head. I fought back tears at school. I struggled with my schoolwork. My hands shook. My heart raced. I felt nauseous and ill. I was tired. I was so, so tired. Eventually, I snapped. I could take no more. I told him in no uncertain terms to get out of my life. For once, he listened. I felt like a massive weight was lifted off me. I was free! But...I still had to deal with the mess he had made. The relationships he had destroyed. But as time went on, it was just easier to try and forget. I still struggled. The year ended and I was RELIEVED.
More Moving...
Now, to move to Auckland for my 3 year degree! Ugh. But thankfully I was introduced to some nice people my age from a church there and they were like family for a long time. Then I met Trouble #2. No, that is not his real name. And to make a long story short - that first year of university was awful. The course was good. But, I had picked the wrong guy. Why couldn't I get it right? Looking back, I see it now for what it was - an emotionally abusive relationship. If I thought my previous experience was bad, this was worse. So much worse.
I won't go into it too much, but what came out of it was a very broken me. My self-esteem, the little bit that was left, was shattered. Shattered into a million pieces. My confidence was finally all gone. The year was spent on breaking me to a point where I really believed I couldn't do any better and that if I left him no one else would ever love me. I believed that I wasn't enough, I believed I must have not been enough if I wasn't the only girl. I thought I was worthless. I didn't realize that baggage would stay with me for many years to come.
My Dream
Partway through my degree, I met my wonderful husband and we got married. As life goes, there were still a couple of other big obstacles (and I can't talk about them at this stage) but this time I prayed a lot through it. I did what I could and asked God to do what I could not. I saw God answering my prayers beyond what I could have hoped for! It was incredible, the things that could happen when I believed in His strength and awesome power. I'm so thankful that God gave me a husband of such strong faith. He knew what I needed.
I became pregnant! I had always wanted to be a mother and my dream was coming true! Things were great, but as I was approaching the end of my pregnancy I was really getting fearful about labour and birth. I definitely didn't feel ready and had no peace about it. I read a hypno-birthing book and practiced relaxation techniques. I was starting to feel OK about it but when it came to it - I was a mess. An utter mess. It was traumatic and I didn't bond with my baby. I had postnatal depression. I lost my appetite completely. My stomach growled in protest but I just didn't want to eat anything at all. I couldn't sleep at all between feeds, the feeding wasn't going well, I cried all the time, and just didn't have much interest in my baby that I had wanted for as long as I could remember. Eventually, with a few nudges (well, more like shoves) from those who could see the wheels falling off the bus while I sat there in denial, I talked to my GP about it and went onto medication for a few months. Everything was fine again!
Then we were having another baby - a little sibling for our big girl, and I was absolutely determined to have my act together this time. I was not going to be robbed of those precious newborn days again! Another little girl, and she came fast. I had no pain relief but it was a much better experience. I was thrilled with how it went. Our little girl had trouble breathing though and one of her lungs hadn't expanded properly, so it was back to hospital via ambulance. She stayed in the newborn intensive care unit for a couple of days. It was stressful, but I was actually ok. After a few days at home, we started struggling with her quite a bit. She kept vomiting everything up, screaming for hours on end and not sleeping. Back to hospital again.
I had been proud of holding it together so far, but now things started unraveling in my head. After several horrible tests, we were sent home with a diagnosis of reflux. Nothing they gave us worked. After several weeks, I just couldn't deal with it and bawled my eyes out at the doctor's office. It was super awkward for me (probably him too) because I just don't do that in front of people. I have a pretty good poker face. Finally, he gave us the good stuff for our baby and things started improving.
He also put me on medication again for post natal depression. Round #2. It felt like such a personal failure. Here we go again. But it was worse this time, so much worse. My anxiety shot through the roof. My thoughts spiraled out of control. It felt like there was a hippo sitting on my chest and my stomach churned. I could not sleep at all and the baby was such hard work, with the re-flux. My jaw felt like it was permanently clenched. I remember just sitting on the couch doing nothing and I'd be a ball of nerves. It was like nerve endings were exposed all over my body and I was in sensory overload. My heart was beating so fast. It was so overwhelming. I felt completely overwhelmed and overpowered by my anxiety. I just couldn't even THINK properly. Eventually the medication started working, only a little bit, but I still felt so low and got no enjoyment from anything. I felt numb and dead inside. Every day was a drag. I felt more and more hopeless and helpless as I realized this thing was just so much bigger than me. I was in over my head and I knew I could not get myself out. After several months of feeling this way, my doctor decided to change my medication and I finally got called for my first counseling appointment. I felt quite weird about the counseling. I never thought I'd find myself in this place, talking to a complete stranger about the most personal stuff in my life.
Out of the Fog
I was about to find out how life changing it could be. My counselor started asking me about school. I didn't really see how relevant that could possibly be, as I was 29 by this stage! But through my counseling she showed me how I had been bottling up my traumatic experiences, going right back to school days, and never really processed any of it. I had been living in fear for years without even realizing it. I had been so afraid of making mistakes, always second-guessing myself and living with the glass half empty. I believed what others said about me, what my feelings and my mind said - more than what God's Word said about me. Fear is a thief. It robbed me of so many years, holding me captive in negativity and self-doubt. I found myself wanting to thrive. Surviving was not good enough for me anymore! I wish I had leaned on God from the very start, but I'm so incredibly thankful that He was watching over me.
My little girl turned one recently and I'm finding myself lifting out of the fog. I'd really like to share with you, sometime soon, the rest of my journey - of faith, hope, and how I'm learning to take care of myself.
But for now, I think I've given you quite enough to read! I really believe that knowing more about a person's background helps you understand where they're coming from. And understanding people is so important, you guys. You might know someone your whole life but never know about some of their deepest struggles, unless they decide to tell you.
Stay tuned, and remember to be kind to yourself xx
Hey Charli, thanks for being so brave and sharing a part of your story. I'm sure your honesty will help others who have shared similar struggles. Keep writing and reflecting - this was a powerful read xx
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your message. Just this one post was so helpful, seeing it all in front of me helped me process it and give me a bit of closure. I'm definitely keen to keep going, I've always really enjoyed writing!
DeleteMarietjie. I don't know anyone as kind, generous and gentle as you. You have truly helped me so much, even through everything that you have been going through. Thank you for every bit of support you have shown me (adding up to quite a lot!). I can't believe how much you have grown and blossomed into who you are today. You have shown me what resilience looks like, and the positive outcomes of actively working through difficult situations. I love you so much! - your baby sister <3
ReplyDeleteYou are so kind. Life makes you grow up a bit, doesn't it! I'm definitely not the same person. I feel like I've changed a lot just in the last while. I'm always here for you - as you know. I love you heaps! xox
DeleteThank you for your brave words Charlie. I always felt we were similar personality-wise and I relate to so many of the thoughts and experiences you've shared here. I've got no doubt God will use your story to bring hope to others who are struggling and that his healing will continue in your life until you can recall these things without pain and anxiety. I hope you know how strong and brave you are for walking through these things and not giving up xx
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment, dear friend. Yeah, we seem to have a lot in common - I've thought that too! God really led me through writing this post. I prayed about it and rewrote it so many times, according to what He was telling me to say. It turned out to be a bonding exercise! I checked out some of your blog posts - love it xx
Delete