Confidence!

Hello, you! If you haven’t read my first few blog posts, I’ll do a little recap for you:

Me. Anxiety. Post-natal depression x 2. I’m still working my way out of those, but I am making great progress these days. It’s pretty exciting!

There’s more to it than that, of course, but that should help this post make a bit more sense! Today is the day, I think, for passing on some of the things that have helped me build my confidence or helped me function at a better level.

Look at me, using the past tense, like I’ve nailed this ‘confidence’ thing! Hahaha. Misleading. I’m still wading my way through anxiety, though more like waist-high now, rather than over my head. The stuff I’m about to tell you still applies to me very much. I still need the reminders. But I feel much more alive because of them, like I’m actually functioning! I now believe, more than ever before, that I am never alone. That gave me a little nudge forward. Also, I felt a new sense of purpose. God doesn’t want me to stand still. He wants me to move!

Just go! Do something. Help somebody.

I knew that all along, but I was paralyzed with fear. Frozen to the same spot. For years and years… too scared to move. Too scared to make a mistake. So fearful of the unknown. But, I’m finding myself thawing out and stretching my legs, shaking the numbness from them, and (sort of) feeling ready to not just find my place in the world, but even carve it out - if that’s what it takes.

I’ve been figuring out what it is to be a confident person, it’s a pretty foreign concept to me!  Along the way I’ve collected a few helpful bits and pieces that have really made a difference. Some of it is making a huge difference, actually! I thought I would share some with you. Maybe confidence is something that comes naturally to you, or maybe, like me, confidence has been a conscious choice - a scary one. A lot of the time. But now - less and less.  So, if they help me so much, perhaps there is at least one thing for you. Something that challenges you, something that changes you, more and more as you practice it, towards the confident person you hope to become.

One of the most impactful advice I have come across is - do it afraid. Feel the fear and do it anyway! Don’t wait until the fear ‘goes away’. This is how you make it go away. Courage does not mean not having any fear. Rather, it is the ability to face the fear. After all, who can say they are courageous if they have never been tempted not to be? Who could say that they have self-control if they’ve never been tempted to lose it? You see where I’m going with this. Doing it afraid will build your character faster than Chuck Norris could build Rome in one day!

After having my first daughter (we’ll call her Little Miss B) I really wanted to do some volunteer work, find my identity a bit, but I had no idea what. I didn’t know how. In the end, I did nothing. Too afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone, of meeting new people. What if they didn’t like me? What if… And before I knew it, time went and I had another baby. But, she just turned 1 and I decided that I was going to do some volunteering. I just was. I looked at a volunteering website, found a couple of things that I thought I could be interested in. I made contact. One of the volunteer positions was becoming a member of an association (the cause is something I am passionate about). I went to a meeting – a room full of people, none of whom I had ever met before. My stomach was in knots driving to this place. I felt like I was going to puke. I was sweating like a pig. Heart racing. You name it. I prayed nonstop. When I turned up, I was asked to stand up, introduce myself, tell them a bit about myself, and say what inspired me to be there.

Eeek!!!

I did it. Did the words come out perfectly, in order, and without a stammer? No. But I did it! And… I really enjoyed the meeting! And every one after that! I’ve been involved since, and I am so, so happy that I gave it a go! Sometimes the only way we can find out what we are supposed to do is to try different things until we see what is going to work for us and what fits us.

Don’t be afraid of making mistakes. You won’t ever succeed without making some mistakes, and let’s be honest - probably a lot of them. A confident person is not afraid of being wrong! I’m realizing that I can recover from making a mistake and not allow the fear of making one to hold me captive or tangle me up in self-doubt.

To be confident, you must know your strengths. Make a list. Do it, even if you have to cringe through the whole exercise – like I did! It almost feels wrong, doesn’t it? But it’s not, if you’re honest with yourself. It’s not about being full of yourself. It is a necessary part of preparing yourself to do (whatever it is you do) with confidence. Read it out loud until you have convinced yourself!

People are always going to give you their opinions. Listen to them. Take what is actually helpful, but don’t let what other people think control you. You most definitely can’t please both God and people! It really doesn’t matter what you do in your life – someone is going to have something to say about it. We need – no, we must - learn to cope with it and not let it get into our heads.

A confident person can say “no” when they need to. That person can bear other people’s annoyance and understands that if those people genuinely want a relationship with them, they will figure out how to get over it and want (the confident person) to be free to make their own decisions. If you’re always trying to keep other people happy, saying “yes” to all of their requests, you will lose yourself in the process. You will feel bitter and resentful because of it. Say “no” when you need to and “yes” when you should.

You don’t need to ‘fake it until you make it’. Don’t be a pretender. Be yourself.

You don’t need to try to deceive anyone or even yourself. Self-deception only leads to self-doubt in the end. You will never win that way. Be authentic. Something that really dawned on me recently is that I don’t actually have to feel confident to be confident. To come out on top, I have to learn to go past what I’m feeling. Willpower is like a weak muscle, when pitted against your feelings. It needs strength. It needs exercise. But if you use that weak muscle again and again it will most definitely become stronger than your feelings. The only way of climbing a mountain is climbing it – be it leap by leap, step by step, or perhaps inching forward, bit by bit. Don’t feel resentful about those small beginnings. Those are often all we can really deal with at the time. God will give more when He knows we are ready.

I know I’ve been getting a little heavy with the ‘God stuff’ lately, but if I didn’t say it, I’d feel like I gave you a brand new house with all the latest features and fanciest appliances, but never hooked up the electricity or set up the plumbing. So here goes – and if I’m honest this has made all the difference for me. When you rely on yourself to untangle your problems, you will end up taking a mental beating – worry, anxiety, and fear. Trust God. It’s no good praying for God to help you, then proceeding with worrying and trying to fix it on your own, as if He couldn’t really help. Believe me, I have been there. That leaves no room for God to do His thing. He could, of course. But where is the relationship in that? He wants us to communicate with Him, to leave all our worries and anxiety in His capable hands. When I do that, the peace He gives me is amazing. Unlike anything on this earth. Really. Trust comes from relationship. Someone who trusts in God can have confidence that even if stuff doesn’t turn out the way they want, God’s plan is better than what they had in mind anyway!

Guys, I’m starting to feel alive! These things have helped me so, so much. I am so much happier. I’ve come a long way and I still have to remind myself of these things, but I know when God calls me home I will finally have perfect confidence because in God’s presence, there is no fear.

So, there you have it, my friends. I hope you found that helpful. If confidence is something you find really difficult, it is my hope for you that as you step closer and closer to your fears, they will shrink and shrink until they’re tiny and pathetic, and you can just stomp right on them on your way to wherever it is you want to go!

Live boldly, guys! xx