That Cringy Word...

Hello, I’m so glad you came back! 

It’s been a reflective few days since my very first post. I shared with you guys a lot about my past, my story, and it was quite therapeutic, I must say! I didn’t expect that. It was such a load off my shoulders. I think I did quite a lot of processing while I wrote and rewrote parts of it. But I mustn’t stop there… I’ve come this far, so I better see it through, don’t you think? There is more. If you haven’t read my first post, I recommend that you do. It will make a lot more sense that way!

The next bit of my journey was such a necessary step in getting my mind back on track, so that I could move forward. I still felt stuck. Like a big truck stuck in the mud, the tires spinning, mud flying everywhere, but not much was happening. No forward movement. Nope, I needed something bigger to haul me out.

Why Can’t I Let Go?!

I couldn’t understand that, even though I had finally mentally put the past behind me, particular things kept clawing at me whenever a reminder of the past came up. Well, by particular things, I mostly mean particular ‘people’. They still had a power over me, even though I hadn’t seen them in years and years. Why?? For example, my last relationship before I met my husband. Why did I think about it as often as I did, even though my feelings for him were long gone?

Yes, I carried that baggage around for years. I fought my husband on what seemed like everything, determined not to let anyone walk all over me again. I thought I owed it to myself to stand up for a change. I couldn’t let anything go! I just couldn’t help it. My poor, dear husband was so patient with me. He gently coaxed me out of my shell. He let me be myself and open up in my own time, rather than try to force me to be who he wanted me to be. He loved me just as he found me. That was different for me. Really different. Still, I had a lot of insecurities. Trust came slowly. I think seeing the effects on my relationship really made me resentful. How unfair, for this guy to still have so much influence over my life! It made me remember things I really wanted to forget. I hated that so, so much. I started praying about it and was prompted to think about the feelings that those memories brought up.

Hurt. Betrayal. Anger. Regret. Bitterness.

I had, in my head, put the past behind me - but it was still in my heart.

It dawned on me - unforgiveness.

Forgive

Oh no. No way!

As C. S. Lewis said in one of his books, “Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive.” I had often looked at other people’s situations and thought that if they could just forgive and let go, things would be so much better for everyone. After all, God says we should forgive. It was so much easier though, when it didn’t involve me doing the forgiving. Nevertheless, I felt convicted. There were some important conversations to be had with God….

He brought these verses to me and urged me,

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Ephesians 4: 31-32

That is what forgiveness is. It means loving.

….and….err, what exactly is that again?

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I knew, in regard to that situation, I wasn’t ticking many of those boxes!

Ok. So…..it didn’t happen in this ‘I forgive you!’ and there was light all around me and emotional piano music played in the background, sort of thing. I’m not even sure if I truly meant it the first time. Bitterness burrows its way into our hearts. It hurts us. In all honesty, it took several tries before I really felt the hardness of my heart softening up.

Did he even feel sorry for all the things he did to me? Any of it??

Maybe, maybe not. I don’t know.

But, does it matter?

No.

It doesn’t.

There are no conditions attached. Forgiveness needs to stand on its own. I have grieved God countless times, yet He forgives me. How can I then withhold it? I got to the point, after a long time, of feeling like I really had forgiven him. If I had to describe it – I felt lighter. Like all the physical and emotional weight was lifted off me. It felt weird, but I knew it was right.

Forgive again.

I feel like I should warn you, though. Sometimes that forgiveness doesn’t last. Sometimes you let the tension build up again as you come across things that remind you of what the person did, be it a song, or a place, or whatever. It catches you unaware and you respond in an autopilot way, the way you did for so long. It brings back negative feelings that you thought you had put behind you. Don’t let that drag you down. Forgive, and forgive again. Forgive a hundred times! Forgive that many times, as many times as it takes. Don’t ever let that shadow stay over you. Forgiveness is light. It is the right thing to do. It brings you closer to God.

I knew that was not all. There was still a chasm between me and God. I could feel it when I prayed. I had to ask for forgiveness – for harbouring those feelings, for trying to do things in my own strength to overcome my battles, for not taking comfort in Him. So many things. It was humbling. I swallowed my pride and laid out my sins in front of Him. I knew that I would be forgiven. After all, Jesus took care of that when he died on the cross. When Jesus bought our forgiveness on the cross, it cost him everything. God unburdened my troubled spirit and He changed me.

In order to forgive, you need to go to the attic of your soul. Grab a torch and shine it in all the dark corners and pull out what you find. Look at it under the light. Gather up that burning desire for revenge, all those reasons for you to stay bitter, every heavy, loaded emotion. Tie it all up in a bag, drag it to the foot of the cross, and leave it there. Freedom is yours! Please don’t wait until you feel like it. That day may never come.

What Forgiveness does not mean:

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to stay in a hurtful relationship. If a person betrays you time and time again, there is something to be learned. Just because you forgive someone, it doesn’t mean that they can automatically be trusted. I believe in second chances, but if they have proven to you that they really cannot be trusted, then it’s time to walk away. Perhaps you see them every day at work or other places and can’t literally walk away. Be friendly, be kind-hearted, be polite - but don’t set yourself up for disappointment on repeat. Love them, truly, because God asks us to, but learn from your mistakes. You are not taking away their liability, they still have to answer to God. You are setting yourself free!

Forgiveness does not mean that what the person did is okay. It does not include pretending the hurtful actions never happened. It’s not denying the pain. You have to acknowledge what has happened and understand the pain it caused, to be able to go onto forgiveness. You can’t forgive what you won’t acknowledge.

The final step, as hard as it is, is to pray for that person. Not for vengeance, but for blessings. Yep, blessings! It changes your heart. Oh yes, it does. And that is a good, good thing.

A Terrible Analogy

Forgiveness was what got me out of the metaphorical muddy hole. Now, I just needed some new metaphorical tyres, new windscreen wipers, a paint job…….and perhaps a new engine? This is hilarious. I know nothing about vehicles!

Really, of all analogies!

But you get the picture, right? There was still work to do.

Thankfully, with God, all things are possible.

A thought for you,

Forgiveness doesn’t change the past, but it does change the future xx