Discovering My Worth

Welcome back! Thanks so much for visiting my blog. At the moment it’s all about my journey through anxiety, depression, and piecing myself back together again. It’s taken a lot of glue so far! She’s a big job. But I’m making progress….

So, counselling, huh? I didn’t think I’d ever end up in it…. In fact, when I had post-natal depression the first time, my doctor suggested counselling, but I thought, “What?? Me? No thanks, that’s for people with issues”.

Ha. I was neck deep in denial.

PND Round #2 though, I really pushed for it. I felt like I had been thrown overboard with my hands tied. I couldn’t free myself. I needed help. Real bad.  A referral was made, but after I asked and asked (because it had been months and nobody was contacting me), it was discovered that I wasn’t even on the database. My referral had slipped through the cracks. Those months of waiting felt like forever. Each day was survival. That’s all I was striving for. I felt like I was dying on the inside, fading away. It sucks having to be your own advocate when you’re in that state. Persistence paid off though. After several months I went to my first appointment!

My Self-Worth

In my first counselling session, which was several months ago now, my counsellor assessed my self-worth and was quite concerned that it was so low. So, we spent most of the sessions working on that. She had me do exercises like writing down a certain number of physical features of myself that I liked, circling my positive traits, writing down things that I was good at. We did several things like that, and it was really, really difficult. Downright awkward really, sitting there in silence, “Um…… ummm….” unable to think of anything. I sensed that she was used to that though. I’m sure I heard crickets chirping in the background…. It was quite a struggle. But, it was worth the effort! It made me smile. If you can’t see your good qualities, then you have to look harder. Get out your magnifying glass if you have to!

Guys, this world is a rubbish place for trying to figure out who you are and why you matter. I’ll say that upfront. It’s a confusing place, full of mixed messages and empty promises. Lots of grasping for things that are always just out of reach. And while it is important to recognize our abilities, this world and all that’s in it is not stable. It’s not constant. Things are changing all the time! Our title, our appearance, or perhaps some other superficial measure stick might give us temporary entree into the elite group of The Accepted People. But, deep down we know none of that matters. How do we navigate our way to the real truth of our worth?

When you think about it, there are three dimensions – the opinions of others, the opinion of ourselves, and the way God sees us. Self-worth isn’t about massaging my ego or that sort of thing. This is so much bigger than just me – and that’s okay. Actually, it’s quite fine! It’s wonderful. I really want to draw you the most incredible picture, as far as I am able to describe, of the beauty of my God. The more I learn about His love, His Grace, His promises and power, the more I can find rest in Him, held securely in His hand. I’m finding myself leaning less and less on the approval of a broken and corrupt world. Circumstances change and so do people. But, I’ve found that God’s constancy and unwavering love for me is like…..wearing a wind jacket. Random perhaps, but okay we’ll roll with it. The jacket takes the sting out of the icy cold wind that swirls around me. I still feel it, oh yes. My hair blows all over my face and my lips might get chapped. Sometimes I get a little sand in my eyes. My hands go numb. But, at my core, I am protected and warm. It makes the storm bearable. Thing is, I had the jacket all along. I just didn't put it on!

My Beautiful God

I think people often get the wrong picture about God. Often, He is seen as a God of wrath. A God without love or mercy. But, guys, that is not true! He is slow to anger, so gracious, full of mercy and overflowing with love. God is love! And very importantly, I’m learning that He loves me far more than anyone ever could, more than I could even imagine. When I struggled to see my worth, I decided to dig a bit deeper into what God really thinks of me. I was overwhelmed with what I found.

Going back, right to the beginning…

“God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them 
(Genesis 1:27)

“…God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.”

(Genesis 1:31)

God made me in His image. He made me and thought that it was very good!! What does it mean, that I was made in His image?

 It means I am a reflection of his wonder and beauty, full of creativity and freedom. I am a reflection of God’s intellect, able to reason. I was created for fellowship, reflecting God’s nature and his love. I was created to reflect his moral qualities – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  Wow.

I found a psalm that really captures how in tune God is with me. He didn’t just make me. He knows everything about me. I mean, everything. He knows, and He cares. I don’t have to shout and wave my arms around to get his attention. I already have it.

Psalm 139:

You have searched me, Lord,                                                                                      

    and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;

    you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;

    you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue

    you, Lord, know it completely.

5 You hem me in behind and before,

    and you lay your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

    too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?

    Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

    if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,

    your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

    and the light become night around me,”

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;

    the night will shine like the day,

    for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;

    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful,

    I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you

    when I was made in the secret place,

    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;

    all the days ordained for me were written in your book

    before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, oh God!

    How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,

    they would outnumber the grains of sand—

    when I awake, I am still with you.

Did you see that?

We are wonderfully made! Right back before I was a teeny tiny little thing, frolicking around in my mother’s womb, God was there. He made me - every little feature. I have mattered from the very beginning.

Criticism

People criticise each other. There’s no escaping it. What others think of me had always been important to me. I was scared of failing in front of them, scared of what they would say, what they would think. Am I clever enough? Am I witty enough? Am I successful enough?

Constant, severe criticism in chapters of my life left me wounded. That season of verbal beatings left emotional scars. Had I already thought more of myself before, maybe I would have come out with less damage. But the criticism mattered so much to me, and it cut really deep.

 “Why do you have to be so shy? Just get over it, I’m sick of it.”

“It’s your fault. It’s always your fault!”

“Why can’t you ever get it right?”

On and on it went, until it became so entwined with my thoughts. They became my thoughts. I would tell myself these things.

“It’s my fault….”

I have since forgiven all this. It was a painful process. But, I still had to deal with the scars. My growing insecurities made me feel so much pressure to conform to others’ expectations. I avoided criticism at all costs. That also meant that I avoided opportunities. And some of them were big opportunities. I dodged them as if they were bullets.

But, over the last few months I have been learning that my worth is not in being the same as other people, or even being different. It is found in God. Others’ criticism doesn’t hold any weight when I compare it with God’s opinion of me. Other people are not qualified to judge me. I don’t think that I’m even qualified to be my own judge. God is my judge. And He says that I am wonderfully made! The world seems to tell us to respond to self-criticism by loving ourselves more. But I think we need to learn to look past ourselves. I have quite a long way to go in my journey of self-worth. I’ve finished counselling, but I still have habits to break. Thought patterns to retrain. A lot of work to do. But I have learned something important – with God, I have nothing to prove and nothing to lose!

Redeemed

Although I became a Christian a long time ago, I still mess up. I mess up a lot. We all do bad things. It makes us feel worthless. But I know now that I don’t have to earn or plead for God’s approval. God’s grace is enough. I’ve already accepted Jesus. I confessed everything to Him and He forgave it all because He is faithful. It’s forgotten and washed away.

“Fear not for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine.”

 (Isaiah 43:1b)

This verse makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. That’s a major understatement, actually. 
I feel loved. I feel wanted. I feel safe.

I AM loved. I AM wanted. I AM safe.

Those are truths.

He loved me so much that he sent his Son to die for me. God knows me and everything about me, and he still chose to die for me (before I even chose Him!). He still wanted to redeem me. That speaks volumes. What greater love is there than that? Jesus was given as a free gift, out of grace, so that we all have the potential for redemption. When I put my attention to how much God loves me, and the price he paid to redeem me, I start seeing myself as God sees me and it helps me understand how much I am really worth as a child of God. I have infinite worth! There is nothing as intimate as a child-to-father relationship with God. Nothing in this world compares. I can lay it all bare before Him – without fear. And it’s met with more love than I could ever explain.

I am precious in His sight. God defines my worth and He holds me secure in His deep and abounding love. I have made my mind up to enjoy the best life that God has for me. And I know it begins with me. I have to believe what God’s Word says about me more than I believe what others say about me, or even what my own mind and feelings say about me.

Guys, please believe me when I say you are loved. Truly and deeply. Let Him show you. He wants to. Don’t make yourself dizzy trying to find solutions within yourself. Trade your heavy burdens for a peace that will blow your mind xx