Mariet

Five and a half months in and I don't know if I've made that much progress. Some days, I feel like I'm finally back to 'normal' - whatever that is. But often, I feel like anxiety is lurking just below the surface, and I know that if I wasn't on medication, I'd be a mess right now. I know that. It keeps me from falling over the edge, no matter how close I get. My very recent Wellington trip made me realize that. I flew with my five-month-old boy and my five-year-old. That went surprisingly well. What I wasn't prepared for was for my cruisy baby to be really unsettled at night, with 2 of the nights waking every single hour! I felt like a zombie. I'd get up in the morning, feeling like I had been run over by a bus, but after breakfast started feeling okay and more energetic. Then afternoon would come and I felt as if I had hit a brick wall. I just wanted to sleep! As evening approached, I felt that oh-so-familiar sense of dread creeping up on me. It...

A big week of 'firsts' for us this week! My Big Girl started school and Little Girl is supposed to start kindy this week! But today my Big Girl is sick on her second day and Little Girl has been sick too. And I'm also sick. Our house is filled with wailing and coughing. We've been slammed with sickness since Baby Boy was 1 week old. There hasn't been a day since then that we've all been 100%. I feel like bathing in Dettol. But things will be a bit easier this term , I thought, as I tried to calm Baby Boy (while his big sister shrieked in terror as the toddler chased her around the couch with a baseball bat). Yes, things will be easier. They say when you become a parent, you become more patient. Well, I seem to have plenty of patience when there are a lot of witnesses around. I get frustrated by the smallest things. My five-year-old takes forever  to eat food. She just kind of stores the food up in her cheeks like a squirrel. It is excruciating to wat...

Baby Boy is 8 weeks old! Babies have lots of milestones...but today I met one of my own - I finally made it to church! I had forgotten how good it is for my soul, to reconnect with people after my 2-month hibernation, be surrounded by my church family, and praise God in song. I felt a renewed intimacy with Jesus. I felt energized! Also, today I was asked why I keep having babies when it's so hard for me every time. Like I'm a bit crazy. You might be wondering too. Well, maybe I am crazy. But, I believe every life is precious. When I know a little life exists, there is nothing to do but nurture that life and bear with whatever challenges come as a result. Sometimes those challenges are big. Sometimes they seem like mountains, towering over me, blocking my view, and I don't know if I have what it takes to get to the top. Sometimes, I feel like I  definitely don't have what it takes. It's a sacrifice. Oh yes, a big one. I sacrificed my body to the process ...

Baby Boy is 6 weeks old. I've survived another newborn phase! And every single one of us managed to get sick in the course of it. After getting through the newborn stage with my first baby, if you had told me I would go on to do that two more times, I would have laughed hysterically and said, "Yeah, right!" .....and would probably have punched you in the kidneys. It feels like such an achievement, as well as the fact that I'm still exclusively breastfeeding this little guy. I was well onto bottles with both girls by this stage as they were terrible feeders. Every feed was excruciating from start to finish. Every feed. Every day. The anxiety built up every time they needed a feed. I just couldn't do it anymore. Especially not with the mental state I was in. My husband needed a sane wife (ha! He really drew the short straw there). So, it really feels great that it's a success this time! But, again, the elusive joy of the newborn days has escaped me. Ag...

Baby boy is 3 weeks old. I just don't feel like myself these days. I'm not the kind of person who cries at the drop of a hat. I don't cry in front of people. I don't instantly tear up when people ask me how I'm doing. I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve. And yet, here I am. It really doesn't take much. Often, it takes nothing at all. I am just all over the place. I feel empty and numb, like I don't have feelings. Then I feel sad and teary. I've found worship music to be such a comfort to my soul. I had made a playlist on Spotify for labour which I found so good and it really helped me cope through quite a bit of my labour. I focused on the words to get me through each contraction, letting God's peace wash over me. I didn't realize just how helpful it was until a couple of days ago when I was getting sick of silence here at home (must have been a day that my youngest daughter wasn't at home!) and nervously decided to play it ag...

He's here! We now have 2 girls and a little baby boy 11 days old. He truly melts my heart. He's so tiny and new. Goodness. What a whirlwind of a time it's been.... Wow, I was doing so well those first couple of days at the birth centre. I was feeding my baby without help. I slept when I had the chance. I was eating happily. I only called for a midwife for a bit of pain relief every now and then. My sisters commented on how well I was managing this time. How un-frazzled I was for a change. I thought things were really going to be different this time. That is, until we came home and it was coming into the evening... The dimmed lights, the baby stuff, even the baby smell.... Wow . The reaction was strong. It was like a PTSD thing. All those memories from the newborn days with the girls just overwhelmed me. Because I've only ever experienced those conditions while feeling incredibly anxious, it was like my mind and body didn't know how to not react that wa...

Nearly 37 weeks and I am physically ready to have this baby. Up until a couple of days ago, his room was a big, big mess. We had Miss B's 5'th birthday parties (yes, plural!) a couple of weekends ago and, while at the time, shoving everything into the nursery seemed like a good idea and fast way to de-clutter the lounge, I really, really, regretted it. Sigh. What a job that was! I finally feel mentally and emotionally ready for this baby to arrive. It's kind of exciting! It's possible that my physical discomfort and awful sleep might be egging me on... but I think I'm ready. It feels like a bold statement. But there it is. I've said it! I'm ready. At the same time, I'm trying to remind myself that no one can ever be fully prepared for a baby they haven't met yet. I don't know what he's going to be like. Is he going to be a good sleeper? A good feeder? A happy baby? Is he going to have reflux like my last one? There is no way of knowin...